by HC

The USA Network, USA - (May 28) - Grieving wrestlers of the World Wrestling Federation tearfully broke utility tables over each others' damn skulls and smashed the living shit out of each other, Monday night on their popular nationally-televised badly-acted testosterone soap opera, WWF RAW.

The exceedingly stupid and brutal matches were meant to honor, in the only way they know how, one of their own who'd "accidentally" fallen to his death Sunday, during a live pay-per-view event which, nonetheless, nobly continued on as soon as they'd stuffed his carcass in a sack and hauled it out to the dumpster.

"I've never felt so sad in all my life," sobbed wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, as he smashed wrestler "the Undertaker's" motherfucking face in.

"I'm very sorry he's dead, and I'll truly miss having the opportunity to crush his pansy ass skull to a bloody pulp with my bare hands, ever again," said Austin, wrestling back the tears.

Talent vacuum gives dead celebrities a second chance

Due to all those fucking cable channels and networks and satellite dishes and interactive 3-D websites and shit, there is now, apparently, just a big gaping hole out there, where once there were glamorous stars and poised graceful talents.

Desperate to fill this, you know, hole, the heads of governments and syndicates and corporations and secret organizations and blatant organizations are pooling their resources to reverse engineer the old dug-up bones and ashes of dead celebrities everywhere.

These chunks of reclaimed celebrity protoplasm are then retro-fitted with flesh and clothes and a voice box and some behavior algorithms modeled on shadows of their former selves, and given their own shows in prime-time and 6-picture deals up the wazoo.

"I am very excited by this opportunity to once again be a famous celebrity long after I'm dead," said a famous celebrity who chose not to be identified for fear of fear itself. "I am of course, so very sorry to hear that there is no fucking talent out there, but I am still very excited by this opportunity to once again be a famous celebrity long after I'm dead."

According to NBC head of programming, Charles Manson, new GPS-laser-DNA techniques will allow them to reconstitute old celebrities from as far back as the pre-historic fossil record, where, apparently, there were many great celebrities that no one today has ever heard of. Celebrities like the great Uuuuuuuuuunng, and the amazing Fffffffffffffft.

"These pre-historic fossil record celebrities may be fresher than all our current crop of failed celebrity wannabes put together," Manson told Geraldo.

CBS president Rodney King said that his network is looking well beyond the fossil record and has already sent several deep space probes to other galaxies and has hundreds of highly-paid mystics sitting beside quiet brooks in the forest with their eyes closed, scouring other dimensions, just to find the next E.G. Marshall or Marshall-Tucker Band.

Local plumber buys all major internet companies

Jack Stephan, or Stephanovich or Stephanino of A-Dee-Do Plumbing Supply Company of Maplewood, New Jersey has agreed to acquire internet companies Yahoo, Amazon.com, AOL, and eBay, in exchange for paying their phone bills and $24 dollars in unwrapped shiny trinkets that may have tiny talking intels inside but, also, may not.

The deal, worth an estimated $1150 Quadrillion dollars, will be completed just as soon as Jeff Bezos finds that little yellow pad of post-it notes he writes down all his thoughts and business records on.