DC, DC - (May 29) - The National Spelling Bee was held yesterday, or whenever, in maybe Washington, DC, but maybe not. The purpoose of the National Spelling Bee is to get a buncha kids and see if any of them can figure out why we all have to live in the same fucking world as Tori Spelling.

So far, scientists have been completely baffled by this question and it's hoped that maybe some kid will accidentally stumble on the answer, if, of course, the price is right.

Winner of this year's Bee, 9-year-old Kirk Vomit III, of Mattapan Mass., won for his suggestion that: "We are at a point in the evolution of understanding where we understand too much and not enough. Too much, so that it's become painfully clear how empty and stupid life ultimately is. And not enough to enable anybody to come up with anything that's any fucking better. And Tori Spelling (not to mention Aaron Spelling or Cardinal Spelling), is the near perfect metaphor for this condition."

Runner-up, Rebecca Kramer Jr., 8, of Putney, VT, won for her suggestion that: "Tori Spelling, whoever the fuck that is, is like the noise of people trying to balance their brains on a wire. If they all dropped off, Tori Spelling would disappear."

Second Runner-Up, Jack Stefanic, Jr, 9, suggested that: "We can all live in a world without either Tori or Aaron or Cardinal Spelling, if we just spend 40 minutes each day consciously running on only one neuro-transmitter at a time -- so that, for the rest of the day, we can be above all emotion."

This year's winner received a year's supply of raw gut. Runner-ups were allowed to bounce themselves off life, the way light is bounced off an object in the service of cognition.