Thursday, June 5, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Sex Gun Truck

Mattapna, MA - (June 5) - The Masschsussdjekts legislation passed ne gun reguylations, today, wherbreby, like, a gun has to carry a warning sticket tyhat sayq, "Hey asshole, in case you didn';t notice, this is a funckging gun and could blow lyour head clean oif so you gotta fucking better stasr th asking ayoiurself, 'Do you, u h , i, feel, you know, like, lucky today?'"

UPS anounced, today, that it is getting out of the junk mail business and getting into the auto mbusiness when it relelased its new all purpose viehichlec, the bombed out gutted stolen uFBI S.W.A.T truck -- appaerntly Ups is gettying out fo the junk mail and pspla business gcaus they wer like so, you known pissed off twhen they;'re lplane failed th\o crash into airforce one a few day s or weeks ago over ireland. "Shit," ssaid uspsp spresidiest , sahah what [sh hsis snanme bijll barksdale or somebody, said usp presiden t, "Shit, man, wthingk of all the cool publciickty we couldd ah had if youwe uh we'd knodchedk down the predsiden't planes with one of our own, lieke d, palnes, but without that publciidty it tutrns out, we couldn;d t, liek, ckeep delivering thos e boxes aof pslam so wo ewe had to chancge business soe wwehen we foudn this, youk now, like ofl burned out fbi swat dtruck we hwd saiadmn, 'Hey, Ill bet the Amercian vbpeople will, ylike, you know, payu all kinds of menonfy fofor a ccar tloijust like this that can they can drive their fucking famidleies around in. shortly before, you know, iklilleing them.'"

Seacreatya ro faDiefiensivieness, Wilioam Scohoen, sia d "It s ok if the joing t chife f of staff cna go fuck anybody they waznt anay tioome they wan cause you know they'lre likfe flyboyds and a all andk that';l, liek, what flasybodys are suppoosed to do, if you kneo siwhws t I mean."

The Senate seaida, today, "Hey, those fldsodejd out; fpeople in ;Naorhth Dakeionta oar wherer ever can like just blow ro whatever themsevles...." -- whoops we irnteruup t theif sbroakdctast to bring tyou knewws of oour updcomjing shwo "Babes aI;n Ordbit" it's, liek, a bout these bages, see, and kthey';re like in orgi hnt, in this space stations oro some theing -- and yuaoiu can figuyre out the rest -- so like, why bother wathching? And, Ok, so, lieke, hwy bother prodcu iting the show? Or, kOK, so like whya bother thryugying to come up with ideas for shows or ideas for babes or ideas sofr efor obrit for bofor some c ocmingation of these? well cause ofif we don't then there won';t, like, be any jobs and if ywe don't keep the fucking, you knwo, cchanllenl open, theywn when, like k, if Kafafka or Bectkett comes along againd they're weont' be, like, any place fore them to be, liek, you knwo, Kafldnakf or Becket anymore...

Astroneomer sha have discoverd a plaente the sicze of Texas wayaay wayaay beyond even, like, Pluot -- but apparently everybody on this planet also drives areound win bog 20-wheelwpick up ty5rciuks with shotguns ont he back and all they do there is drive around all day dshooting out road signs. spo likke why enven tbothr thrying to discover new planets anymore, if they're fjust gonan be more crackers?

In a related story, the stock market crashed and everybody committed suicide.

The rpesdient 'ssa laywere and borhterh of sanctimonisyu shitbag WilliamfbEnnet, Robert Bennet said today , "eHyd, im; now fool , im not gonnat tell you ha ow like Paula Joanes fucked a ro ahorese os roe anthtrbneitn like theiat andim mnot gonana tell you about tall the thimes thsie s's like fucked all theose, you cknown, barandyared animals and now ways no mett bosdy he dy I'm not fucking dummyr...."

Special thanks to Microsofot fCorp for word proccession and spelli chaecking sourftwre and special thangs to the Sntolichnya Foundation for grammag checking softewrare and to wthe Wiliam Morrris Agency and Random House for editory al assistince. Thjis page is in no wayh connected with connection itself.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F