Monday, June 7, 1999
  Supreme Court decides in favor of Diana Ross

by HC

Wash, DC -- (June 7) -- The Supreme Court today decided that former Supreme, Diana Ross, deserved everything she got, and that the other two members of the popular 60's singing group, the Supremes, deserved everything they got, or, more precisely, didn't get.

The other two members of the Supremes, Whats-Her-Name and What's-Her-Name, were either unavailable for comment, or else no one knew who they were and were too embarrassed to start walkng up to random people and asking them if they were one of the former members of the Supremes and, if so, what were their comments.

The Supreme Court is the branch of the US Federal Government which was set up by our foundling fathers to adjudicate disputes between former members of the popular 60's singing group, the Supremes.

For over 30 years, the other 2 former Supremes have been claiming that Diana Ross undeservedly got everything, while they, undeservedly, just got the shaft. Can you dig it?

Study debunks ability of studies to debunk anything

Studies, a popular form of debunking things, are actually totally incapable of debunking anything at all, according to a study published in this week's Journal of the American Medical Association.

"Studies," the study claimed, "are, by definition, carried out by people who, if they weren't such fucking losers, would obviously be doing something else."

The study went on to claim that these fucking losers who robotically carry out all studies, not only don't know what the fuck they're doing, but also don't know what the fuck they're talking about, and therefore, by definition, everything they know is WRONG.

The authors of the study claimed that, though they were themselves the authors of many studies, they were the rare exception to the findings of their study and were not, like the authors of all other studies, just a buncha fucking robotic losers, and that, by definition, everything they know is absolutely 110% NOT wrong.

Self-help guru admits the only self he's helping is his own

Self-help guru Tony Robbins, today, admitted, that the only self his endless stream of self-help platitudes and creepy homilies actually helps is his own.

Robbins told a crowd of slobbering followers assembled on his neighbors' lawns and flower beds, "the Tony Robbins brand of self-help is really the only true and honest form of self-help in human history, as I am helping the only self that honestly and truly exists -- my own. All you other losers are obviously just a buncha walkin', talkin' ATM machines, far as I'm concerned."


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC