Monday, June 8, 1998
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"Drugs Are Wrong!!!
And Can Kill [You]!!!"

NY, NY - (June 8) - President Heroin went before the UN General Assembly of sanctimonious hypocrites, today, and addressed representatives of all the so-called "member" nations, telling them how, if they didn't stop doing, you know, drugs an' shit, they'd immediately lose not only their so-called "member" status, but also their, you know, "members" themselves. If you know what I mean.

Speaking extemporaneously after coughing out a couplea huge bong hits of crack, the President told the assembled diplomatic losers, "Hey, if you buncha diplomatic losers don't stop doing drugs 'n shit, we're not only gonna revoke your, you know, 'member' status, but also your, you know, 'members' themselves. If you know what I mean."

The President then ran through a demonstration of all the drugs the assembled diplomatic losers had better, the fuck, stop doing -- immediately.

"First," said President Heroin, downing a couplea bottles of Dexatrim as he spoke, "You better, the fuck, stop doing speed, cause, for one thing, it makes you all jumpy an' shit."

To demonstrate, he had the central NATO nuclear missile control room wheeled on stage, and then sat there at the master control panel, being all jumpy from all the fucking Dexatrim he'd just scarfed, until, finally, he just, whoops, accidentally, like, pushed the nuclear button and destroyed the world.

"Whoops," said the President, all Don Knotts overdrive, "There goes Australia! -- So, see how bad speed is? It is, definitely, you know, WRONG!!! Now, pardon me, while I do another couplea quick huge bong loads of this special CIA leftover Lebanese hash to ease coming down."

After watching the vagrant smoke glide slowly out his nostrils, the President told the assembled buncha sycophants and nepotism recipients that they also better, the fuck, stop doing heroin, even though it was still much less than half as popular as speed.

"And you better, the fuck, stop doing heroin, ya buncha sycophants and nepotism recipients!" the President said, mainlining a huge syringe of goop into his ankle, site of the only uncollapsed vein he had left.

And, despite also, coincidentally, getting a blow job at the same time, he still promptly nodded out from the heroin, and fell over -- his forehead just barely grazing the nuclear button, but still just enough to destroy the world.

"Huh," said the President, slowly, drawling, three-quarters out of it. "Yeah... whoops .... there goes, uhhh, you know.... South America ... or wherever ... so that's why ... you know .... you buncha political .... payback recipients .... out there better.... the fuck ... stop mainlining heroin."

Then, after the secret service had forced a couplea more bottles of Dexatrim down his throat to revive him, the President returned to the podium and continued his speech.

"And also," the President continued, "you buncha brainless, soulless, well-dressed empty fuckin' suits really really really better, the fuck, stop doing acid! If you know what's good for you.

"Now I took the liberty of borrowing, you know, Albert Hoffman's original 1948 batch of LSD-25 from the Smithsonian Institute, just an hour or so ago," the President looked at his watch, "and I should be coming on, just about....."

And immediately, the President got all happy and trippy and started singing and whistling old Electric Prunes and Blues Magoos songs, and stripping off his clothes and dancing around naked and putting on paisley shirts and bell bottoms and beads and shit.

"Oh wow," the President told the assembled diplomatic scum. But as he was trying to, you know, "ball" every "chick" in sight, he kinda tripped (as it were) and fell sprawling across ALL the nuclear buttons, sending tens of thousands of advanced nuclear warheads hurtling in the direction of major and lesser cities of all nations and times.

"Whooops," he said, getting back up and quickly scarfing a couplea dozen bottles of different B-vitamins, to come down.

"So, you see, if you buncha overfed sweathogs out there, don't stop doin', like, every fuckin' drug in world, it's gonna immediately lead to the fucking end of the world. And then there won't be any drugs left for ANY of us. Neither YOU nor ME. Though, frankly, I'm not so sure I really give a flaming flying fuck about, you know, you."

The President, apparently coming down badly from the acid despite the B-vitamins and, with no other drugs left to demonstrate anyway, ended his speech by telling the assembled sanctimonious dickheads, to "just, you know, shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business, ya buncha sanctimonious, hypocritical, self-righteous dickheads!"

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