Monday, June 9, 1997
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Ralston is Dog Food

Wash, DC - (June 9) - General Joe or Dennis or whoever Ralston, founder and President or CEO or whatever of Ralston-Purina Dog Food Company, makers of Ralston-Purina Cat Chow and Ralston-Purina Dog Chow, announced today that, because he's either committed adultery, or adulterated his dog chow with, like, earwig gizzards and drosophila cum-shots, all dogs and cats that have ever eaten his company's dog or cat food should immediately puke it all back up and give it all the fuck back. And go replace it with the chow of some company whose President or CEO or whatever hasn't committed adultery or sodomy, or whatever.

[In case you didn't catch all 10 of Charleton Heston's "Ten Commandments," adultery, in most states, is the age at which you can legally get royally shit-faced and drive your Camaro off a bridge at a high rate of speed.]

Ralston was apparently about to be named Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, which would make him the number one man in charge of directing the people who clean up all the joints and roaches leftover from heavy Defense Department meetings about the security and defense and safety of the "free world." (The big bag of leftover joints collected from these meetings is then immediately brought to the pilots who fly the Joint Strike Fighter, and who need all the joints they can get, cause, apparently, their normal dope connection is, like, on strike.)

When asked if he gave a flaming flying fuck about all this adultery bullshit and this joint bullshit, Secretary of Defense, William Cohen, who also directed "Fargo," said, "I don't, you know, give a flaming flying fuck about all this adultery bullshit and all this joint bullshit, cause I, like, prefer using a bong, anyway, and I'm sure the rest of the Pentagon feels exactly the same way. Joints are a total waste. So who needs a Joint Chief? Nobody. That's who.

Cohen later announced that the army or armed services or whatever would switch from dope smoking to skin popping angel dust anyway, so why even bother with a Joint Chief?

But then, a few hours later, he totally reversed himself and said he was now seeking another dog food manufacturer to be the Joint Chiefs' staff chairman. And, according to rumors leaked by CNN, Cohen has, actually, already decided to name General Mills to the Post.

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