by HC

Bethesda, MD -- (June 9) -- The Center for Disease Control in Bethesda Maryland has issued a warning concerning a severe glitch found in the human communications protocol. The glitch, known as speech,is believed to be the unintended side effect of a Trojan horse or virus known as thought.

"We sincerely regret any inconvenience this may have caused the history of the world or civilization," said a spokesman for whoever was responsible for the glitch, from a safe house with a big tree out front, on a hot day in Witness Protection Program, New Mexico.

The FBI claimed that the thought virus was implanted in human brains about 40 years ago.

According to FBI director Rebecca Sunnybrook, the virus apparently replicates rapidly and self-organizes into colonies of neurons and synapses that don't require serotonin, dopamine, or any of that other neurotransmitter crap but, instead, function by using just Coke, Pepsi and nor-epinephrine-flavored Doritos for post-synaptic transmission.

"This parallel nervous system constructed by this virus..," said Sunnybrook, but then she lost it, as her own parallel nervous system started going all... but then I lost it, as my own parallel nervous system started going all....

Bezos will sell self for 50% off

Having apparently run out of things to buy and sell from his website, Amazon.com president Jeff Bezos claims he will now begin selling himself.

"I will be selling myself at 50% off, every day, either whole or in tiny little pieces," Bezos told reporters.

After Bezos is sold off, apparently Amazon upper management will go on sale for 50% off, and when they're gone, employees and facilities and software will be sold at 50% off till Amazon.com finally implodes, leaving nothing but a vast e-commerce black hole in outer or inner space. Whichever.

Bezos said if you buy him he will arrive on your doorstep within 48 hours. Please be naked so the Fed Ex guy is too embarrassed to hang around for a signature.