Wednesday, June 11, 1997
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Online Anal Probe Device Unveiled at Privacy Conference

Wash, DC - (June 11) - A buncha corporate shitbags and corporate shitbag wannabes, met with a buncha sanctimonious government and academic losers somewhere, yesterday, to decide how far online computer users would have to bend over in order to receive the hard throbbing shitcock of money-grubbing online capitalist slimeball pigs.

See, apparently a lot of people aren't, like, totally enamored of the fact that a buncha scumsucking capitalist corporate shitbags wanna know everything about them -- from who and what and why they're fucking who and what, to what the favorite candy bar of their favorite Saturday morning cartoon character is.

"See," said Rebecca Firestone, CEO of the Eat Our Worthless Shit, Anyway, Corporation, "The more information we have about consumers, the more painlessly we will be able to ram our useless worthless shit down their otherwise useless fucking throats."

"Of course," she was also quick to point out "Many additional benefits will also accrue to online users if corporate whores are allowed to thoroughly probe the innermost recesses of their anal and cortical regions. So they [consumers] should, like, just shut the fuck up and take it."

"For example," said Kirk Vomit Jr., CEO of Gimme All Your Money and Shut the Fuck Up, Inc., a subsidiary of Firestone's Eat My Worthless Shit, You Loser Inc, of Chicago, Illinois, "What happens if a consumer loses his or her little dog, Millie or Checkers, or whatever. Or their little 6-month-old baby accidentally disappears? Well, if we have a complete data base of who's fucking who and why, and a complete data base of everybody's favorite candy bar, and favorite dildo flavor, then it'll be totally simple to find their little lost dog Checkers or Millie or whoever, or their poor little lost 6-month-old baby."

To prove his point, Vomit opened a large box containing a buncha missing dogs and 5 or 6 missing 6-month-old infants. "Now these dogs and infants," he said, "Are all missing -- and if we had a big data base of everybody's favorite creepy perversions, then we could immediately find the owners of these dogs and babies. But we don't have such a data base yet, or, at least, the one we have doesn't include everybody, so shut the fuck and stop whining, you buncha losers. You people oughta' learn to be proud of being mindless, soulless consumers of our mindless, soulless products. It'll help you pass the time while you're standing there, bent over, waiting to receive our, you know, cornucopian schlong."

Toward the end of the first day's meetings and panel discussions, an 8-year-old transvestite accidentally wandered into the room, probably on acid, and had the fucking audacity to shout down the speaker with what he/she thought was the real simple solution to the whole online privacy issue, "Hey," he/she said, "Why doesn't everybody just, you know, like, MIND THEIR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS."

Of course, she/he, being only 8 at the time, had no direct appreciation of how utterly wrong-headed and dumb his/her "solution" was, given that it would've caused everyone in the room to immediately lose their cushy fucking sinecures and have to go out and get, you know, like, real jobs, where every workday would begin with the, uh, delivery of their own, highly personalized, random, deep, corporate-sponsored, anal probe report.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F