Thursday, June 12, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

7th Annual Web Survey
WWW Achieves ZPG

Web City, USA - (June 12) - The 7th annual web survey conducted by the Graphics Visualization and somebody or something Group or Foundation or whatever, from sometime in April to sometime in May, has recently been tallied or totalled up, and the results are more startling than the truth of the origin of the human soul in immortal cosmic robots predating the creation of the so-called universe. Here they are:


There are now 30 million people using the World Wide Web -- up 50% from only 30 million people using the web 18 months ago.

Of these 30 million so-called people, 90% of the men say they are men, and 90% of the women say they are women.

Search engine robots constitute 90% of all web traffic and are responsible for the numbers that generate 90% of all advertising revenue.


90% of all respondents claimed their primary motive for using the World Wide Web was for purposes of disassembling reality into the kinds of pieces where every fucking utterance doesn't have some kind of creepy personal agenda or lameass political motivation or, you know, creepy lameass $$commercial$$ motivational agenda, behind it.

0% have reported any success.

Connection Speeds

Most people can make a drug connection and score their drug of choice in large quantity long before the CNN webpage finishes loading and a constant finger on the escape key has stopped its ultra-annoying animated GIFs from their fucking incessant blinking.


90% of the respondents reported getting suddenly very depressed only moments after uttering any sentence beginning with the words, "My ISP...."

Web Commerce

Click here to see the remaining results, which were compiled, like 2 years ago or so -- but who cares, cause "the more things change..." and all that.

There will be a onetime $5.00 fee charged to your ISP's cookie, or whatever, for this service.

Survey Methodology

A buncha former "Wired" editors on the skids, were locked in a room with a bowl of psilocybin candy, a buncha phone books, and a buncha portable wireless telephone headsets. A buncha disgruntled former ATF agents wiretapped the calls and tallied the results described above.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F