Friday, June 12, 1998
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Look Out, Barbie, Here Comes: THE INTERNET BABY!!

Anonymityville, USA - (June 12) - In order to remain absolutely anonymous, Elizabeth, a 40 year old mother, will use the Internet, next Tuesday, to give birth to her 3rd child.

"I'm sorry," she said in a CNN interview, this morning, "but I just couldn't give birth at Grand Central Station, like everybody else -- you know, there's just no damn privacy or anonymity there, anymore."

The CNN interview was conducted using the advanced new privacy technique of not even trying to hide or disguise someone's appearance or voice one bit, as a way of only further confusing the audience and achieving deeper levels of anonymity, far beyond even actual anonymity itself.

"No one'll ever figure this one out," smirked CNN President Fred Turner, who will be on hand while the Internet Baby is being delivered on cue, on Tuesday.

"This will be, really, the world's first interactive multi-media hypertext baby, and may turn out to be the long sought-after, so called 'killer app!'" said Dr. Hollis Mosher III, chief of Pedia-theatrics at Bethesda Navel Hospital, who will preside over the delivery and also get executive producer credit on the home video version, as well as 3% of gross sales on all subsequent "Internet Baby" brand products.

"Elizabeth's body will be completely wired at the time of delivery," said the Doctor, "and millions of tiny nano-lasers will be in position to mutate the baby's DNA in vivo in any manner whatsoever, as it's being born.

"This will allow people all over the world, to log onto our website with their home computers and, for example, vote to give Elizabeth increasing levels of electric shock, or vote for specific physical traits in the new-born, like 5 green arms, or 15 red eyes, or the dreaded 'unrealizable genetic alcohol predisposition,' which makes you genetically predisposed to drink huge quantities of alcohol, yet unable to hold down even tiny ones."

"And, ultimately," the Doctor continued, "these unwashed, unshaven masses, sitting at home in their underwear, will be able to determine, on a nucleotide by nucleotide basis, all aspects of the Internet Baby -- with conversations like, 'Hey Marge, how about a guanine here? No? OK, so how about a cytosine here, and then a guanine?' becoming commonplace around average American dinner tables everywhere."

Rebecca Firestone, head of marketing at the Bethesda Navel Hospital Bank Media Corp, later demonstrated prototypes of some of the Internet Baby merchandise to be released in the coming months.

"Though I can't show you many of the advanced new features, for competitive reasons," Firestone told the audience of mostly trade press, "I can assure you, that all our dolls come, out of the box, with the hard-wired capability of saying, 'The internet made me do it! The internet made me do it!' in a loud yet sincere voice, whenever confronted with the least accusation of crime, misdemeanor or ethical shortfall whatsoever, and in any realm of reality or non-reality whatsoever."

The dolls will also, apparently, be hard-wired to just simply stop responding, from time to time, for no apparent cause, and with no possible fix except buying a new one and starting over.

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