Thursday, June 19, 1997
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Film Review
Bagman and Robert

Cabo George Lucas, Baja California - (June 19) - OK, so the 4th "Bagman and Robert" movie is about to open this weekend.

Apparently there were 3 previous "Bagman and Robert" movies: "Bagman and Robert 1," "Bagman and Robert 2," and "Bagman and Robert 3."

In the first one, Bagman and Robert are introduced as humble narcoleptics stuck in traffic, spewing psychotic Southern Baptist bile at the Disney Lamb, over ancient trademark infringement suits from other continents and, apparently, other anti-matter parallel Milky Ways.

In the second "Bagman and Robert" film, "Bagman and Robert 2," Bagman and Robert are kicked off depth row, for apparently, not having any depth.

In "Bagman and Robert 3," the "Tumescent Two-o," as they are called, do a gedanken experiment in the Bagcave, from which they learn that death is not contained in the genes, and, therefore, must be carried by culture, alone. Then they spend the rest of the movie tooling around in the Bagmobile, exposing the ramifications of this to an unfeeling, unthinking, uncaring public.

"Bagman and Robert 4," is described by Coach Willie Schumacher as "Somewhere between 'cream of consciousness' and 'stream of noxiousness' -- sort of MTV without M, T, or V. -- 'Bagman and Robert' is for people who don't even have time to run around saying 'So much stupidity. So little time.'" Schumacher said, fondling the last few stray flecks of crystal meth between his thumb and forefinger.

"Bagman and Robert" stars Coach Rosie O'Donnell as Bagman, and, also, as Robert. Of course this neat trick is done with those, you know, Lucasfilm-Light&Pixar digital biologic MPEG compression-decompression algorithm kinda things where only a really really little teeny tiny bit of the soul is lost with each iteration.

The bad guy is played by Cliff Stoll. He plays Cliff Stoll who is running around lecturing and arguing violently against the use of the thumb, because it leads to kiddie porn or something.

The femme fatale, Straw Herring (the femme fatale is, of course, one of the recurrent, you know, shticks, of the "Bagman and Robert" series, which is why it pays to see all of them, otherwise, you don't get all the subtle and vitreous, you know, humor), is played by the well-known, upcoming starlet, what's her name.

Oh yeah, Bagman is played by upcoming star what's his name. No. Bagman is playeed by RRosie Oo'donnell. Wright?

OK, so the plot goes like this: Cliff Stoll is on Stoli or something and accidentally starts using drugs that are clearly marked "These Hardcore illicit drugs are FOR SALE ONLY. Not intended for actual use."

Thinking he's stoned, but not really, he accidentally, but not really, stumbles into the Bagcave where Rosie O'donnell is meeting with Oprah's book club or something in the Bagmobile. Then there's a big fight and everybody is killed except Bagman and Robert, who celebrate by going to Baskin and Robbins.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F