Friday, June 19, 1998
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Satan Unit Buys Empty Puff Ball, Infoseek

Sataniapolis, Sataniana - (June 19) - Satan, the inventor of the so-called "human spirit" and the #1 hit TV series "Muff Angel," announced, today, that its Disney division would purchase a 43% piece of amorphous internet puff ball, Infoseek.

"We are all very excited about this new move," said a spokesman for either the new company or one of the old companies. "It will definitely be a new move which will be very exciting. We will be moving some new things in very new and exciting ways. And by combining our very new and exciting things, we will create many new new exciting exciting things things."

"Amorphous puff balls of empty nothing, are very popular on Wall Street this week," said Wall Street analyst, Rebecca Bartholomew, who was walking down Wall Street herself, at the time, and so should know.

According to Bartholomew, "Big, fat, empty, nothing, world-renowned companies like NBC and Disney, are trying to fill the gaping hole inside themselves where a soul should have been. They are doing this by buying up big, thin, empty, nothing internet companies specializing in nothing but laundering and re-laundering somebody else's surplus ponzi money stolen half-chewed from the mouths of starving babies."

"This is a perfect fit," said a spokesman for Disney. "We are empty and have tons of money to spend -- and they are even emptier and wanna spend tons of somebody else's money."

The world famous Disney unit, was created by Satan Motors in 1933 to destroy the world by poisoning the minds of children, which it completed in 1955.

After it had successfully ended the world, however, the Disney unit faced a series of management crises, and its stock price stumbled, or tumbled.

"We had to invent Time, as a way to leverage our invention of the human species which had gone awry," said a Disney spokesman. "So buying up the biggest nothingness in town will help leverage our bottom line or help leverage our infrastructure or leverage our stranglehold on the collective lie known as 'the world.'"

A spokesman for spokes themselves said, "Sorry, but I could not be reached for comment pending notification of notification itself." Then he got all sanctimonious and addressed the audience as if they were human: "Spokes are good," the spokesman said, tears welling up in his eyes and showing his fucking spokes to the fucking audience. But the fucking audience had already had enough and, when it failed to destroy the world through war, it became just another porn merchant and inventor of the world's #1 porn portal, Infoseek, as a cop-out against orgasm herself.

Goofy, who apparently invented Satan, could not be reached for comment pending notification of "I didn't say she was crazy. -- I said she was fucking GOOFY!," itself.

"This isn't gonna be just a new act," said Mickey Mouse, inventor of being just a screwdriver or bloody mary away from detonating an underground nuclear explosive, and the #2 hit TV Series, Action Monastery!!. "This is gonna' be a whole new concept in acts. If you know what I mean."

Disney joins the ranks of other overstuffed companies like NBC, who, standing at the brink of rapid massive decline, are subsidizing empty internet companies up the wazoo, in hopes of keeping the bogus puff ball US economy afloat just long enough to get just one more zero on their net worth and then take the fucking money -- turn it into the universal language of guns and drugs -- and fucking RUN.

"If this merger or buyout or sale or embracing of empty puff balls of worthless nothing by corporate child molesters doesn't immediately save the world from its own disingenuous self -- then, then, then, well, you know..." said the same person who'd said the thing before about how if his body ever rejected an organ transplant, they should immediately just give him a piano transplant, or a saxophone transplant, instead.

"Maybe we will just become the HMO-Bank of the future with our own branded cartoon characters to be, like, all benign to you, while we piss away your money and laser-peel out your motherfucking soul," said the new CEO of Disney-Infoseek, from his inaugural ceremony at the center of the burning pit of eternal unabridged fire, the molecular basis of human dogshit.

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