Friday, June 20, 1997
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The Prosecution Rests Tonight

CNN-or-Consequences, DC - (June 20) - The prosecution rested, today, in the trial of The People Who Toss Out Red Herrings Vs. The People Who Knock Over Straw Men.

Attorney for The People Who Knock Over Straw Men, Kirk Vomit Jr., argued to Judge Ito, that The People Who Toss Out Red Herrings were guilty of singing endless streams of nonsense syllables based on correct Latin roots, in an effort to endure excruciating physical pain.

Attorney for The People Who Toss Out Red Herrings, Rebecca Firestone-Kramer, of Rabid City, South Dakota, argued that new mutant strains of small mammals have started appearing in cities and suburbs all over the world at the same time.

"These new mutant animals," said Ms Firestone-Kramer, "Dance on peoples' roofs in the middle of the night, then slide down the side of the house or building with their claws dug in, and run off into the dark. They eat only birds about to hatch an egg, and are sensitive to the same forces of nature as electronic test equipment."

At that point, the judge called a recess and, for lunch, the jury just reached out the window, where an extra large pizza was being passed, from hand to dangling hand, along the outer wall of the building.

Apparently, this building was competing with the one across the alley and several others up and down the street, to see who could move the most pizza the fastest, from one end to the other, with everybody still getting precisely the toppings they'd requested.

When court re-adjourned, or whatever, a communique arrived which could have changed the whole nature of the case -- but the first letter of the first word of the communique was severely smudged, so it was unclear whether it was calling for, "sapping man's fundamental humanity," or for "mapping man's fundamental humanity."

As a result, the rest of the trial had to be conducted entirely in quadruple entendres which were, at their deepest level, nothing but the non-stop abuse of long-standing brand-name juggernauts, like "Coca-Coma."

The defendants were found guilty of being too-innocent-by-half, and sentenced to only one day in prison, but in order to get there, they'd have to take the shortcut through the center of the sun.

As they were being dragged away, they stopped their jailors long enough to turn and tell the judge and jury, in unison, to "Please go blueball yourselves, ya buncha sick motherfuckers."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F