Monday, June 21, 1999
  New technique gives butterflies windshield wipers and/or vice versa

by HC

Cambridge, MA -- (June 21) -- The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has approved the patent on a technique for easily making machine-animal hybrids, MIT president, Rebecca Kramer said today.

Kramer, who became president of MIT just yesterday following the sudden, unexpected, synchronicitous deaths of all 9 people ahead of her in line for the MIT presidency, began her comments by telling reporters how saddened she was over the sudden, unexpected, synchronicitous deaths of the 9 people ahead of her in line for the MIT presidency.

"They were all wonderful people," said Kramer, "and everybody except the 9 people behind me in line for the MIT presidency, will sorely miss them."

The technique patented by Kramer and her associates at MIT, is based on, essentially, this, like, really big blender-like thing.

"But instead of a big blade-like thing," said Kramer, "the big blender-like thing just has a really big hand-like thing inside. And, instead of spinning round at variable high speeds, the big hand-like thing just sorta waves."

According to Kramer, the hand waving, if done for a long enough time, begins to blend the boundaries between whatever living systems and mechanical ones have been placed in the big blender-like thing.

Soon traits and features begin to commingle in ways and for reasons nobody fully understands.

Hybrid Toyotas crossed with ants when placed back on the road suddenly veer across median strips to join fellow hybrid Toyotas in forming huge colonies which take over vast parking lots and crawl all over your countertops looking for gasoline and motor oil.

Volkswagens crossed with mosquitoes run on the human blood they quickly, silently suck out of passersby on the dark streets they drive down at 2am, in the rain.

Toaster cats don't have to eat their rat gizzards and lizard anuses raw anymore.

"And whole species can be instantly extinguished," said Kramer, "by simply crossing them with Edsels, or Divx drives."

Apparently bees crossed with TV studios no longer live together in hives, but now live miles apart, broadcasting homebrew TV shows to each other all day long, living off ad revenues instead of stored honey.

"New hybrids like these," said Kramer, "allow the participating species and machines to bump-start whole new trains of evolution which will hopefully, in turn, bump-start whole new trains of evolution in other, non-hybrid species which apparently, despite all the fucking NOISE they make, are currently pretty much fucking OVER.

Polling among humans revealed that 80% were pretty sanguine about their total loss of species dominance in the coming year, while only 10% were even slightly bummed at the thought of living in a mass culture totally determined by the quickly shifting whims of hopped up roaches with point-of-purchase terminals for brains.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC