Monday, June 23, 1997
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Film Industry Reveals Why Its Stuff Just May Actually Suck

Hollywood, CA - (June 23) - The film industry, sometimes known as Hollywood for short, today, in an effort to head off massive class action suits by the pop group, "The 35 States Attorneys-Generals," or whoever, agreed to attach warning labels to all its forthcoming films, explaining, in detail, just exactly why each one had come to, you know, just plain suck so much.

"See," said Disney President or former President, Mike Eisner or Mike Ovitz or Mike Mouse, "The stories that we know and love today, have really all been brought here, eons ago, by non-altruistic space aliens from other dimensions. These aliens had apparently learned, one day, that these stories were responsible for all sickness and for death itself, but, because they were part of some fundamental zero-sum cosmic-level game, couldn't be destroyed, and could only, at best, be moved somewhere else, and, then, only to another dimension and planet where cognition was early enough in its development, for the shitty stories to take hold."

"These 'stories,' then," the Disney executive continued, "Which dominate all myth and all religion, and cognition itself, in and of themselves, you know, really, really, suck, and so are at the very heart of the reason why all the fucking films we make out of them, you know, really really suck, too. And so, this will, now, be clearly stated on warning labels prominently displayed on all our film product."

Though Eisner said he had no real solution to this problem, which, either ironically or by definition, was also at the very heart of the problem of life itself, he did, however, say that, in an attempt to try to come up with a solution, anyway, he would now join a global online think-tank composed of Steven Spielberg, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Tiger Woods, Tom Cruise, Marvin Minsky, and the Spice Girls, and their new company, "Unarted Itists," would be coming up with a whole variety of brand new branded talking cartoon genitalia-like characters which could be displayed on windshield web-browsers while you surf the net as you drive the freeway.

"These intelligent displays," said Eisner, who took one out of his pocket and showed it to the audience, "Are no more distracting for the average driver than if someone were putting her hands over their eyes. And the increased death rate from them is, statistically, no greater, either."

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