Presidential hopefuls commit to bold new oxymorons
Hanover, NH -- (June 23) --
Struggling to distinguish themselves and their campaigns
from the self and campaign of leading Republican
front-runner Texas Governor George W. Bush of Texas,
Republican presidential hopefuls have begun unleashing
barrages of clever catch phrases and brash buzz words
designed to distinguish themselves and their campaigns
from the clever catch phrases and brash buzz words of
Texas governor George W. Bush's self and campaign.
Presidential hopeful, CNN revolving door commentator, and sycophant to 2 or 3 presidents, Patrick J. Buchanan promised that when he takes that oath of office, my friend, he will immediately usher in a new era of warm and fuzzy fascism.
"When I am president, my friend," Buchanan told the crowd, "we will immediately usher in a new era of fuzzy friendly fascism backed by a Barney-like brutality which will have as its core and its goal, a gracious and gentle genocide."
Presidential hopeful, Senator and Vietnam war hero, John McCain told the crowd of former freight-train serial killer wannabes and their entourage, that his presidency would usher in a whole new era of sober alcoholism.
"My new era of sober alcoholism," said McCain, "will be tempered with a crystal marijuanaism and a gaseous liquid methism, to help us come down from our Bean-counter Lysergic acidism, without, you know, the harsh edge."
Republican hopeful and former head of the Red Cross and wife of former senate majority leader and former presidential hopeful Bob Dole, Liddie Dole, promised that her presidency would usher in a bold new era of Catholic Jewishism.
"My new era of Catholic Jewishism," said Dole, "will have as its core and its strong right arm or whatever, a new era and a new kind of self-righteous why-fucking-botherism. If you know what I mean."
Presidential hopeful and former Vice President under former president and CIA director George HW Bush, Dan Quayle, promised that his presidency would usher in a dynamic new era of intelligent stupidism.
"My new brand of intelligent stupidism," said Quayle, "will have as its heart and soul, a new kind of cool creepyism which will help spread an ethos of sickening healthism and healthy diseasefulness across our great land."
Presidential hopeful and former steam blaster and author of 36 of the 37 bogus so-called "Shakespeare plays," Julius Shakesberg, said that his presidency would usher in a new era of succulent puke.
"My new era of succulent puke, will have at its gut, a new era of gourmet vomitousness which will, in turn, have at its heart, a new era of hyper-kinetic slothfulism."
He also said he would borrow some of the ideas of his opponents and maybe, if he felt like it, usher in a bold new era of cold-blooded alcoholic Christianity up the wazoo. And maybe, if he got around to it, he would usher in a new era of of of straight-arrow perversism to keep all you wacky perverts and wacky straight-arrows out there, happy.
The one voice of dissent, however, in this vast array of Republican presidential hopeful oxymoronisings, was presidential hopeful and former presidential hopeful, Steve Forbes.
Forbes promised that his administration would usher in a bold new era of filthy-rich-and-still-greedy money-money-moneyism and more money-money-moneyism.
"My new era of filthy-rich money-money-moneyism," said Forbes, "will have at its heart and soul and core, a new era of heterosexual lesbianism and a-sexual bi-sexualism up the wazoo, if you know what I mean."
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