Tuesday, June 24, 1997
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Apparently Bill Gates or Something

MSNBC, USA - (June 24) - Apparently Marc Andreessen or Bill Gates or somebody said something about somebody or about some server or site or technology or something. You know, some product thing, or, like, about the future of something. Enterprise something, or scalability blah blah.

But, whatever the case, the gene for what they were talking about, or the gene for either the behavior or the disease behind or caused by what they were talking about, has just been discovered and will be published in an upcoming version of the "New England Journal of Medicine." (Hint: it begins with a "c.")

Hackers Hack Microsoft Website

Hackers, of all people, have apparently hacked the Microsoft website using one of the many security holes in Windows NT. Fortunately, the only people who visit the website are other hackers, looking for security holes in Windows NT to use in hacking the Microsoft website.

"We have just come up with a really great solution for keeping these, you know, motherfuckers off our, you know, website," remarked Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, momentarily overlooking either the dada or the profound spirituality of a mass-market website intentionally keeping itself technologically out of the reach of its entire audience.

CNET Launches New Online Service

CNET: the confusion network, has launched yet another totally new website thing or whatever with a buncha ISPs or whoever. It's called DRUGS.COM and is modeled after either GNN, circa 1993, or Prodigy, circa 1985, or both, and will target the 3 remaining users of these "services," who haven't yet, you know, taken themselves out.

According to CNET President, Kelsey Grammar or somebody, "Bill Gates or Marc Andreessen or somebody said they thought it was very cool or really great or something."

Was JonBenet a Lesbian?

According to new evidence, unearthed by Bill Gates and Marc Andreessen, JonBenet Ramsey, may have been a lesbian.

"JonBenet may have been a lesbian," said Gates, licking the last few stray flecks of crystal meth from his golden nipple ring.

"Yes," agreed Andreessen, licking the last few flecks of angel dust off his emerald-encrusted dashboard or soccer ball, "JonBenet just may have been a lesbian."

Whatever the case, the two have sold their pilot for "JonBenet, 8-Year-Old Lesbian Vampire Slayer (She's the Lesbian, Not the Vampires)" to the WB Network or whatever, for an undisclosed object of barter or, possibly even, of desire.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F