Wednesday, June 24, 1998
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AT&T, TCI Merge Into One World Platform

NY, NY - (June 24) - John Malone, President of TCI, the company that controls what people watch, and C. Michael Armstrong, CEO of AT&T, the company that controls what people say, have merged their 2 giant companies together to better assure that people fucking watch what they say.

According to Armstrong, smoking a and speaking at a joint press conference held in NY this morning, "This $48 billion dollar merger is first and foremost about choice. With the merger of the number one cable company, TCI, and the number one phone company, AT&T, the rabid telecommunications consumer will now have the additional choice of either talking to his TV set, or watching movies on his telephone."

"Not to mention," Dr. John Malone, known as the night-tripper, piped in, "That the rabid telecommunications consumer will now still also be able to watch movies on his TV set, as well as still be able to talk to people selling stuff, on his telephone -- though, like, why even fucking bother, in this vapid, soulless, disingenuous, hypocritical, self-righteous world?"

Malone, who likes to participate in a major bogus merger of communications giants every couplea years, just to stay loose and keep his name in the papers, also told the press that this was definitely the best bogus merger he'd every participated in.

"This is the best damn bogus merger of telecommunications giants I've ever participated in," he said.

But Wall Street analists think it's gonna be, like, several years before this bold new reality is finally rolled out. "And the problem with this bold new reality," said one analist, "which won't be supposedly even rolled out for another 4 or 5 or 8 years, is that when it is finally, you know, all rolled out, as it were, it's gonna actually, you know, look and feel just like, uhh, you know, the same fucking bold new reality we are currently experiencing today, so like WHY FUCKING EVEN THINK ABOUT BOTHERING??? YA BUNCHA BOGUS CORPORATE SHITBAG MEDIA WHORES?"

TCI has about ten million subs. A so-called sub is apparently either a type of sandwich or a type of submergible vehicle, or both. Either way, that's a lotta salami -- if you catch my drift.

AT&T is also, apparently, out to purchase other such synergistic companies. According to Armstrong, "AT&T is in the business of people talking. Letting people talk to their TVs is only the first step. By buying up various plumbing supply companies, we will soon be empowering people to talk to their sinks and showers, and toilets. Then we will merge with DNA itself, so people can talk to their fingertips and eyebrows.

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