Wednesday, June 25, 1997
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Roswell Aliens Celebrate Anniversary, Blow Up MIR

Outer Space, USA - (June 25) - The offspring of the 1947 Roswell outer space aliens, working together with the outer space incarnations of the Heaven's Gate 39, have apparently blown up the Mir Space Station, early this morning, in order to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the day when a buncha dumb crackers or whatever saw a couplea balloons or something in Roswell Texas or Arizona or somewhere.

Communicating with earth via java applets sent over the cosmic intranet, Marshall Applewhite, spokesman for the Aliens & 39 Joint Committee for Retribution, told earth-bound losers that "Blowing up the Mir Space Station is just the first in a series of pyrotechnic displays which will be visited upon the earth, in the coming days, in order to celebrate what, for space aliens, is like Christmas, Easter, and Take-Your-Daughter-to-Work (Unless you're just a fuckin' corporate whore, that is) Day, all rolled into one.

Larry Ellison, CEO of International Totalitarian-izator, claimed there was nothing to worry about and that the Network itself would take care of everything because his data base software, which was the true soul of the Network, was just so fucking, you know, scalable and robust.

A spokesbot for Wired's or whatever, said there was "Nothing wrong with the Mir Space Station that a few good IPOs, massive capital infusions, and a couplea well-placed blowjobs couldn't fix."

"However," the spokesbot added, "Apparently the aliens have been using the old version of Futurewave's FutureSplash 1.03b, (currently, Macromediocre Flash 2.01), but we've been reading their messages using Macromediocre Flash v. 2.1.a.0 (formerly FutureSplash 1.05a.1.a), and so several textual errors have crept in to the heart of the communication itself, transforming actual meaning into, you know, just another fuckin' load of subjective, hand-waving bullshit.

According to spokespersons for CNN, the whole outer space alien thing is just a massive cover-up, hiding the fact that, earlier this morning, the Mir Space Station accidentally blew up because one of the astronauts, what's his name, got carried away doin', you know, his DeNiro or Eastwood imitation, with the Mir on-board .357, or his Steve McQueen "LeMans" imitation, with Mir's undocked, hopped-up old demolition dragster-cum-escape-module-cum-garbage scow.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F