Friday, June 27, 1997
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Clinton Warns of Possible Global Warming

Wash, DC - (June 27) - "Is it getting a little warm in here," said President Clinton, loosening his collar, "Or is it just me?"

"Must be that damned 'global warming,'" said Vice President Gore.

Turner Solves Info Glut

This breaking story just in: CNN has just learned that Ted Turner (of all people), owner of CNN (of all things), has just announced that, "Really, you know, it's really just the reverse of the razorblade thing."

"First we flood you with bullshit for free," said Turner, explaining his so-called 'reverse of the razorblade' business model, "Then we sell you your own personalized bullshit handler, to get rid of it all. Check our website for details."

Into the Penile Colony

Rumors out of Cupertino, California indicate that push technology firm, Pointcast Inc., is developing a whole family of self-administered push technology biologic implants, which the end-user can, you know, implant in whatever organ or bodypart he or she chooses, in order to receive literally gut-level, moment-by-moment updates of the latest and most microscopic movements and changes in convergences of data, thousands of miles away and up to millions of years apart.

The Supreme Court, however, immediately ruled it unconstitutional for "The penile version of these implants to be tied to, say, the Dow Jones Industrial Average during, say, a permanent bull market. If you know what I mean."

In a related ruling, the Supreme Court ruled today that it's utterly unconstitutional to throw a cocked and loaded handgun out your 10th story window with your eyes shut, during rush hour, if you have a previous felony or record of mental imbalance. They declined, however, to rule on whether it would still be unconstitutional if you, like, accidentally peeked.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F