Monday, June 30, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Turner Bites Off
Murdock's Ear

Las Vegas, NV - (June 30) - Ted Turner has apparently bitten off Rupert Murdock's ear.

According to Turner, the incident has been blown all out of proportion, and happened "during a little casual, rough-sex between two consenting adult gentlemen, that just accidentally went a little too far, or, actually, you know, got interrupted before it had gone quite, you know, far enough. If you know what I mean."

Following the incident, wide-scale rioting broke out at the respective companies of both men, culminating in the eventual permanent shutdown of CNN, Fox News, the Fox Network, 20th Century Fox, Time-Warner, and the Atlanta Braves.

A tracking poll of the human spirit, taken every ten minutes by the Gallup Organization, indicated that, almost immediately following the massive shutdowns, world-wide human happiness rose sharply by about 20 percentage points.

Negroponte Bites off Rossetto's ear

Nick Negroponte, the guy who invented 'Nick at Night' and also the guy, who under various goofy pseudonyms, writes all of "Wired," "Hotwired," "Packet" and "Suck" and also personally carries out all the searches typed into Hotbot, has apparently just bitten off Wired Ventures Chairman or owner or founder or whatever, Louis Rossetto's ear.

According to Negroponte, the incident has been blown all out of proportion and was simply part of a graphic presentation he was giving to Wired staffers about how, contrary to what Andy Grove of Intel thinks, "the future of the internet is NOT really about 'battling eyeballs,' at all, but really, it's about 'battling teeth battling battling ear lobes.'"

Massive rioting following the incident has led to the permanent shutdown of all Wired Ventures', uh, ventures. A poll taken by the Ropers Organization and the Superchunk Organization, shortly after the shutdown, indicates a significant 20% increase in the overall speed of the net and a 20% decrease in the perceived amount of vapid, self-important info-glut pervading the, you know, info-sphere.

McNealy Bites Off Ellison's Ear

Apparently Scott or Steve McNealy or somebody, CEO of Microsoft or Lotus or something, has bitten off the ear of Larry or Ralph Waldo Ellison or somebody, CEO of Oracle or Sun or something.

According to McNealy or Gates or whoever, the incident has been totally blown (as it were) out of all proportion and was, in fact, just a routine part of his standard demo of, you know, "cross-platform inter-operability. If you know what I mean."

Following the incident, massive rioting broke out at both Oracle and Microsoft, and both companies had to eventually be closed down for good. Immediately following the closings, computer users everywhere began reporting 20% increases in overall computer speeds, a 20% improvement in software ease of use, as well as suddenly feeling 20% less anxious and 20% more relaxed, apparently because they didn't have to listen to endless streams of toxic marketing bullshit from, or work vast numbers of stressful unrewarding hours for, these fuckin' sicko operations anymore.

Neither Charles Darwin nor George "the Animal" Steele was available for comment.

[ FRIDAY  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F