Tuesday, July 1, 1997
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Mir Crash Caused by Too Much Fucking Garbage

Cape Canaveral, FL - (July 1) - Apparently the crash last week between the Mir space station and its cargo ship, was caused by the cargo ship being stuffed with just TOO MUCH UTTER FUCKING GARBAGE.

The websites of CNN, CNET, Wired/Hotwired, Time-Warner, Microsoft, Netscape, Excite, Lycos, Slate, Salon, etc., got the message, and promptly blew themselves out of the sky.

Tyson Apologizes

Tyson Chicken Company, or whatever, apologized, yesterday, for not removing the rat turds from its steroid-infused chickens before cutting them up and foisting them on an unsuspecting public.

"Instead of old rat turds, we have just laid in a huge supply of spit-out ears, so we'll use those instead," said a spokesman for the chicken products or whatever company.

He also said he expected "a strong, continuous supply of spit-out ears, as, apparently, they have recently replaced cigars and tchotchka pixelbabies, or whatever, as the hot, new, you know, thing."

China Buys King Kong

For some unknown reason, China has apparently bought the beloved action-figure monster, King Kong, from its current owner, Prince Charles.

Observers speculate that the Chinese government will either animatron the fun-loving ape into graceful flight so he can become their national bird, or else will use him in some fried rice kinda thing, to replace, like, chicken, pork, beef, and shrimp which, because of the spit-out ear craze, have recently fallen from grace.

Apparently China will also hire Oliver Stone to make some over-wrought, ham-fisted, exceedingly dumb film about the lovable monster, or else they'll hire Trenton Quarantino to come over and try to fuck all their women while talking endlessly about the great film he's gonna make about the lovable monster, but in the end, after 5 years, only actually do a 10-second cameo walk-on in some Kurosawa or Ozu short, provided they're even still fucking alive.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F