Wednesday, July 1, 1998
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Lewinsky Joins Spice Girls!!!

Wash, DC - (July 1) - According to Linda Tripp's attorney, Paul McCartney, Monica Lewinsky has been asked to join the Spice Girls and has, apparently, said "yes" and will be appearing with them at the Lilith Fair memorial for Princess Di where they will introduce a new genre of M&Ms.

"This is not just a new genre of M&M's" said Princess Di, on the Tripp tapes. "This is a whole new concept in M&M's themselves -- a whole new way of perceiving and being -- and we're all very excited about it."

"Monica won't really have to do anything," said Spice Girl, Rebecca Kramer, also known as Rebecca-Kramer Spice. "We'll just take all these CNN tapes of her getting into and out of cars and hugging Clinton, and edit them into Spice Girls videos and Spice Girls live performances. And since we've already digitally sampled her voice over the phone, we can create all her vocals right here on our Linux box."

Apparently Monica's new Spice Girl name will be Antidisestablishmentarianism Spice. "Because she's the smart one," said Spice Girl, Dickhead Spice.

There Is an NBA Lockout

Apparently, there is an NBA lockout.

"There is definitely an NBA lockout currently going on," said a spokesman for the NBA. "Everybody is totally and absolutely 'locked out' -- if you know what I mean."

The lockout started yesterday when various basketball team owners announced there would be a lockout starting today. A lockout is when everybody is, you know, "locked out," (if you know what I mean) and happens when the owners decide to call a lockout.

Apparently, however, all those who were locked out aren't taking it lying down, and have all gone off and joined the World Cup, or something.

Major Bug Found in New Intel Chip

Intel says a bug in its new Xeon chip is only a problem if it is used.

"This will only happen in less than 1% of cases," said Intel interim CEO, Jennifer Capriati, "so that's only a few million lives and businesses that'll be ruined by it, and only a couplea hundred thousand suicides or so that'll be caused, which is a small price to pay for progress, especially when all the people ruined and killed will probably just turn out to have been muggers and baby killers and other people who deserved it anyway -- so nobody who's honest and decent and obeys the law, should worry about the so called 'bug' in the new so-called 'Xeon' chip."

Capriati also told reporters not to rush out and cash in their chips (wink wink) just yet, as her announcement would not lead to the overnight collapse of either the stock market or the whole fucking economy or both.

"So don't rush out," Capriati said, "and cash in all your chips (wink wink) just yet, ya buncha commie-capitalist pigs, because the economy will not tank over this announcement and the only people negatively impacted will be liars and thieves and drug dealers -- i.e. people who were just a fuckin' drag on the economy anyway -- so things will actually improve, economically, when they're gone!!"

According to Capriati or Kramer, therefore, the bug in the new Xeon chip is actually a feature, not a bug, which will save the economy from its own worst enemy, myself.

Nixon Found to be Extremely Nixonian

Former President Nixon was apparently even more Nixonian than even the name Nixon would imply.

Recent tapes or letters or transcripts of tapes of letters released just this week show Nixon being just a really incredibly Nixonian motherfucker.

"And what was most Nixonian about Nixon," said Nixon scholar, Rocker Tommy Lee, "was his utter fear of being perceived as being utterly fucking, you know, Nixonian."

According to Tripp, who invented LSD and Ken Kesey in the 60's when she worked for the CIA, the secret tapes contain the backward masked confession of the Internet Baby Mother as Matt Drudge had predicted it would, well over 3 years ago, long before the Internet was even invented!!! Nice work Matt.

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