Cannes, Fr. - (July 2) - Mathematicians in Israel, using advanced supercomputer-based statistical techniques, have discovered hidden messages in Windows NT Web Server source code that correctly predicted the crash of the Mir space station, yesterday's closing value of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, and, of course, the Tyson ear thing. The section of source code used in the discovery, was written and finalized well over 6 months ago.

Drs. Rebecca Kramer and Kirk Vomit Jr. of the Haifa Institute of Technology's Center for the Study of Advanced SuperComputer-Based Statistical Techniques, announced the findings this morning at a press conference held in Cannes, France, where they'd just signed an 8-figure US talk-show deal which will have them basically travelling around the country predicting near-future cataclysms from hidden messages found in Ketchup bottle labels and in the patterns of chipped paint on old, rusted-out Ford Torinos.

According to the duo, the piece of code they studied has also yielded other startling predictions for world crises still ahead.

"For one thing," said Vomit Jr., "On July 11th, 1997 at 10:31 PM, for exactly one minute, suddenly, everything you know, will be absolutely right. Absolutely! -- But then, of course, a minute later, at 10:32 PM, everything you know will revert permanently back to, once again, being absolutely wrong! Absolutely."

Microsoft Buys CBS

Microsoft blah blah of Redmond blah blah has just bought CBS TV blah blah of blah blah wherever, late last night. According to informed sources in the TV viewing community, since the takeover, all CBS shows have been running about 2 or 3 hours behind schedule and, every so often, mysteriously drop off the air, only to return again, moments later, having started all over from scratch.

Netscape Source Code Predicts CA Quake

Due to the magnitude 7.4 Southern California earthquake tomorrow at 6:35 AM Pacific Time, predicted by a hidden message in Netscape 2.0 source code, this column will not be whatever. Ditto Friday, July 4th, if power and phone services remain unrestored, as predicted by hidden messages in this very sentence.