Monday, July 5, 1999
  Amid multiple Big Bangs, a fear of nanotubes run amok
MIT, Mass -- (July 5) -- A majority of Americans feel that, at the end of the 20th century, multiple near-simultaneous universes created by multiple near-simultaneous Big Bangs or multiple near-simultaneous Big Bangs Theories are OK 200 with them, but they are not so fucking sanguine about the 2nd law of thermodynamics being just soooooo self-righteous.

Nearly two-thirds of the people in a new poll say they would like to send their families to go live in a non-carbon-based alternative universe generated by an alternative big bang or alternative big bang theory where maybe they really belonged in the first place. But fewer than half are comfortable denying the fear that, one day, trillions of tiny little red and green nanotubes will run amok all over their fucking corpus callosa.

"There's more money, today, but less cerebro-spinal fluid -- if you know what I mean," said Rebecca Kramer, the Hunchback of MIT.

Added Hollis Mosher III, a retired inventor of the species trap that lies just an inch beyond logic, from Moline, Illinos: "Life may have momentarily backed off a bit from sucking an' all, but its top show has not stopped being entirely describable in the 2K (or whatever) limit of an HTTP Cookie value, or in the approximately 120 Hz sound made by cupping the palm of the hand in the armpit and slamming the shoulder down hard. If you know what I mean."

Most Americans also bemoaned not enough drugs and not enough drugs often enough. They bemoaned the loss of pornography and how sometimes you think you've held down the shift key long enough, but when you finally look up at the screen out of your fucking stupor, you notice that it came out lower case and you fucking have to do it all over again!!!!

The poll, by the Foo Research Center for the People & Their Sicko Stuff, was released today, or was it yesterday, and looked at the runaway popularity of the hottest new club/restaurant theme concept thingy in America -- The International House of Flatulence.

"The greatest sounds of the greatest moments in human and animal flatulence from around the world," said IHOF CEO Kirk Vomit Jr., "have been recorded by our crack teams of crack-addled ethnographers working on spec and scouring every inch of the planet. These sounds are then electronically "sweetened" and suddenly, unexpectedly (wink, wink) played back at random unexpected moments throughout the course of your meal from random speakers placed around the room and at different random levels of volume, muting, and reverb, sometimes echoing across an entire evening, slowly fading and mixed with the sounds of ancient flatulence from all history, digitally synthesized from the fossil record by high-powered massively-parallel computers run by trillions of self-replicating robots."

When asked what they'd like for dessert, four out of 10 cited the dreams of the human race and one out of six pointed to new pathogens.

"I'd like some new pathogens," said retired temp retiree surrogate Garth Register Jr. "I'm sick of the old ones -- if you know what I mean."

"Life in this country has become a more contemporary product," said Rebecca Sunnybrook, of Sunnybrook Farms Institute of Technology in Davenport, Illinois, visiting the International House of Flatulence recently with her grandchildren.

She cited how the IHOF clientele were always suddenly uncontrollably cracking up all the time at the sounds of world historical flatulence and always spitting out their food because of this, and how locals would move silently through the place -- the only people not laughing -- and catch the reams of spit-out food and when they'd filled their gallon jugs, take them outside and dump them along with all the others into huge vats in the backs of huge converted plumbing supply trucks and when the vats were all full, the trucks would be driven away over hairy back country rope bridges hanging on a thread across chasms at night without lights across the rainforest looking to trade it all in for just one damn angry fix in the junk sick morning, man. "Also, the world wide web," she said.

As for key factors in America's progress, people point to free heroin for everybody and how there is now no longer time to sit around wasting endless Krebs cycles, calculating the fabric of space.


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