Wednesday, July 7, 1999
  Political roundup
Mosher Promises More Big Bang Theory for the Buck
Wash, DC -- (July 7) -- Promising to squeeze more bang out of the big bang theory, which, according to Planck's constant is equivalent to "a buck," independent candidate Hollis Mosher III, today, promised he'd squeeze more bang out of the big bang theory, then take the so-called "buck" it generated and invest it in a scheme to create the game of Faceball.

"The game of Faceball is just like the game of Baseball," he said, "except, instead of bases, it's played with faces."

Gore promises "unlimited free heroin for everybody"

Promising everybody unlimited free heroin up the wazoo, today, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore promised everybody unlimited free heroin up the wazoo forever, "just like I've always had," he said.

Bush promises not to make life and death decisions during acid flashbacks

"I hereby 110% promise," Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush told reporters in New Hampshire, today, "that whenever I have one of my many acid flashbacks, I will 110% definitely NOT, N - O - T, make any life and death decisions, like, for example, whether to shoot off our entire nuclear arsenal -- just for the hell of it."

Though Bush did appear to be having an acid flashback at one point, all he said was stuff like, "There is too much motivation in this room. -- And too many fuckin' zero sum games goin' on." But he appeared to almost immediately snap out of it and return to the subject that the crowd really wanted to hear about, the future of their genitals.

Dole promises more free heroin than Gore, and no acid flashbacks like Bush

Promising to give everybody even more free heroin than Al Gore and to not be having constant acid flashbacks all the time like George W. Bush, Lyddie Dole or Liddie Dole or Liddy Dole today promised reporters that she'd give everybody much much more free heroin than Al Gore would ever even dream of giving them, and that unlike George W. Bush, she was not subject to near-constant acid flashbacks, and even if she was, she wouldn't try to paper them over with angel dust and speed like George W. Bush does, much to the detriment of anything real.

Buchanan claims he was misquoted -- wants to host John Cougar Mellencamp, not concentration camp

Claiming he was badly misquoted by the left-wing communist-owned press, Republican presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan today claimed he was badly misquoted by the left-wing commie-pinko-owned press when reporters claimed he'd told a crowd of blacks, Jews, Hispanics, Asians, homosexuals, and women, how he just wanted to stick their fuckin' ass in a concentration camp -- when what he really said was just "hey, how'd y'all like to come smoke some fuckin' grass with me and John Cougar Mellencamp."


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