Wash, DC - (July 8) - Big ole cracker good-ole-boy Senator, Joe Don Baker, or whoever, opened the Senate Un-American and Un-Cracker Activities Committee Hearings on Champagne Finance Reform, today, by claiming that he and close personal friend Sylvester Stallone had uncovered "a plot by Communist Red China to bribe and infiltrate and suck out the livers and hearts and souls and guts of every American infant and child by causing massive and wide-spread Chinese Fire Drills all over America, thus bringing traffic to a standstill and preventing the free flow of food and Doritos to the American people so they eventually starve to death as well as, who knows, maybe even join in on the Chinese Fire Drills, themselves, out of pure desperation and boredom."

"There is also a pernicious foreign-crafted plot," said the Senator, "To make everybody eat Moo Goo Gai Pan, or whatever, 3 times a day." According to the Senator, Connie Chung, or somebody, is behind this plot.

Senator Ken Astrolab or whoever, who followed Senator Don Baker, began his opening statement by first paying his respects to "that greatest of all political documents -- the $100,000 dollar bill."

He then proceeded to read straight from former Republican Committee Chairman Haley Barbour's email: "Dear Mr. Barbour," he read, "Please accept my illegal foreign campaign contribution to your campaign. Thank you for your continued assistance in helping us undermine the government and people and especially the poor little children and average middle class families of your big dumb whiteass cracker country."

Senator Rebecca Mclean's, of Belmont, Mass, in her opening remarks, claimed that "This effort has been assisted by individuals enlisted to assist in this effort. And not only that, but if we can't take care of this, then we will surely lose the public's confidence in our ability to regain the public's confidence."

Senator Astrolab, however, grabbed all the headlines with his surprise announcement that Connie Chung, or somebody, would come and testify before the committee in exchange for a flu shot or something.

According to CNN, the purpose of the hearings is to do something about champagne finance reform -- which basically means figuring out, like, "Who's gonna pay for the booze?"