Wednesday, July 8, 1998
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Cosmos Restructures,
Seeks Niche

Cambridge, MA - (July 8) - The cosmos once owned the world. Now it's struggling just to own itself.

Based somewhere out there in the greater Meta-Cosmic Continuum or Field or whatever, the so-called "Cosmos" announced today that it is taking a $795 quadrillion dollar restructuring charge -- as part of a 1024-step plan to get itself back in its, you know, "cosmic groove."

"We have obviously fallen out of our cosmic groove, or the cosmic groove has fallen out of us," said a spokesman for the cosmos, in a modality which was not sound and didn't have a name, "but now that we have purchased CNET from Mike Piazza, and sold NBC back to Zapata or Rupert Murdoch or whoever, I think we are ready with a component architecture and messaging system in BPCS that links to SAP's financials, automates plant-level processes, and, ultimately, kicks cosmic entropy's big dumb ass."

This announcement comes on the heels of the cosmos recently being voted "Flavor-of-the-Month -- LAST Month!" by the International Consortium of Flavor of Last Month Apologists, and the Union of Concerned Flavor of This Month, But What Happens Next Month? Scientists.

However, the spokesman claimed the two events were entirely unrelated. In fact, the spokesman claimed that, in fact, ALL events were entirely unrelated, and that, basically, human cognition was just the liquor talkin' -- if you know what I mean.

When asked why his pathetic little cosmos was structured exclusively around the lowest, slimiest form of so-called "evolution" (the one with murder at its core), the spokesman replied, "Cause it's a business model that puts profitability back in our balance sheet and revamps our product line so it leapfrogs our main competition, the enemy -- myself."

"Also," he said, "it's the only one that fucking WORKS!!!"

Then he advised the assembled CNN and Time reporters that they better just shut the fuck up and start getting ready for the Coming War With HELL!!! And the question and answer period came to an abrupt end.

But later, at an informal gathering held at a patron's house, a gate-crasher asked him what to do if the pain persists.

"If the pain persists," the spokesman said, "insult your physician."

As a result of the restructuring, the cosmos will lay off about 20 neurotransmitters, thereby leaving organisms, according to CNN or Time or Newsweek, with no cognitive categories but the twin towers of "despair" and "orgasm," and, of course, obviating the cultural need for either cave paintings or a cappella Killdozer covers.

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