Wednesday, July 9, 1997
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Americans Riot -- Sick of Mars

Torrington, CT - (July 9) - In spontaneous uprisings that swept the nation overnight, tens of millions of Americans burned down office buildings and looted supermarkets and discount stores in order to express their extreme displeasure over the current state of NASA's Mars mission.

Rebecca Kramer, of Windsor Locks, Connecticut, seemed to best sum up the feelings of angry Americans everywhere.

"OK, so the airbag thing was kinda cool," she said, "And the modem fuckup was sorta fun, but, like, what's NASA done for me lately?"

Kramer, the 27-year-old author of the bestselling, "My Life of Lesbian Incest and Murder," told reporters that, "Americans are sick of the solar system and they're bored shitless by the galaxy and even the fucking universe is starting to get, you know, just a little tired."

Pausing momentarily to adjust the flow rate on her bottle of intravenous heroin, Kramer went on to explain that, "What the American people want is some whole other cosmos altogether, or some other dimension, or some anti-matter universe way beyond the realm of spirit. If you know what I mean."

"You know, sending Larry King into a black hole on the space shuttle to interview Tammy Faye or something, might be a place to start," Kramer suggested, before nodding out.

Unfortunately back on earth, NASA is apparently being sued by Time-Warner over its use of the name "Pathfinder" for its Mars mission.

According to Tommy Time of Time-Warner, "Time-Warner has spent hundreds of millions of dollars building the Pathfinder name into a highly valued brand, synonymous with overblown, out-dated, pedestrian shovelware, and NASA is clearly trying to take unfair advantage of that brand identity to beef up its otherwise lackluster, you know, space probe."

Time-Warner is demanding that NASA "immediately send someone up there to cross out the name and replace it with some non-infringing name, like 'Hotwired' or 'CNN' or something."

Time-Warner also claimed that the 100 million visitors to the Mars website, were all really trying to get to Time-Warner's Pathfinder website to find out about Mike Tyson's driver's license or something.

NASA is also being sued by the National Save the Family or Die Foundation, "on behalf of the many small children on the surface of Mars who were crushed to death when the space probe's airbags inflated."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F