Friday, July 9, 1999
  "Health" roundup
Pot smoking can impair ability to NOT get Munchies
Stolichnaya, MD -- (July 9) -- Smoking the drug known as "pot" can cause the average person to suffer serious degradation in her ability to not "get" the so-called "Munchies," according to a research team at Southern Comfort Memorial Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.

The Munchies, a popular cartoon series featuring extremely subtle humor, is apparently so subtle, that many people just simply don't "get" it. According to the study, however, when these same people smoke some of the drug known as "pot," they somehow, almost immediately, lose their former inhibitions and ignorance and inabilities and burst out laughing on account of how they are suddenly no longer able to NOT get the Munchies.

They are also, apparently, no longer able to NOT drink half-full soup cans of saved bacon grease from friends' refrigerators in the dark, thinking they're just half-full cans of Campbell's cream of mushroom or tomato bisque.

Fortunately, this is good for the economy.

Doctors accidentally discover rare case of cancer
Doctors at Bethesda Navel Hospital in Atlanta Georgia, have accidentally discovered a rare case of Cancer Cola, while searching for an undisclosed object or substance in the Navel Hospital basement, early today.

According to Dr. Hollis Mosher III, chief of navel services at the hospital, Cancer Cola was introduced by the Coca-Cola bottling company in the early 70's, but was immediately discontinued after only 1000 cases were produced.

"The marketing people at Coca-Cola learned just a little too late," said Mosher, "that the English meaning of the word 'cancer' is, you know, cancer."

Fortunately, this is good for the economy.

Miracle cure for Alzheimers apparently lost
Dr. Garth Register Jr. of Brigham and XXXX-Rated Lesbian Hospital, in Boston, Mass, today, sadly announced that he'd somehow misplaced his notes on the miracle cure for Alzheimers which he'd announced to wild acclaim only yesterday.

"I know I had them," said Register, "and I'm sure I left them in the upper right drawer of my desk ... or was it the lower left drawer ... well, whatever, I KNOW I had them somewhere, but now I can't find them anywhere. Ain't that a bitch."

Fortunately, this is, apparently, good for the economy.


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