Thursday, July 10, 1997
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Clinton Apparently Controlled By Connie Chung!!

Wash DC - (July 10) - The Senate Halloween-Easter Witch-Egg Hunt Committee continued its hearings, today, into, you know, the throbbing question of whether or not Connie Chung drinks too much coffee. Gilbert Sullivan, the finance director of Democratic National Coffee Products, was the witness. A verbatim transcript follows.

SENATOR BACKWEB: Mr. Sullivan, was President Clinton implanted with a Communist robotic control device during his stay in the Soviet Union in 1968, and is he now robotically acting out a script co-written, decades ago, by Mao Tse-Tung, Stalin, Pol Pot and Reagan?

SULLIVAN: Yes, Senator, he is. But his implant also allows for real-time control by certain select Communist, baby-killing drug-dealers around the world, who can introduce slight modifications into his hard-wired script, to provide for adapting to things like new dance crazes, changing hair styles, new pop stars, and stuff like that. -- Apparently Fidel Castro and Connie Chung are each in possession of the transmitter and handheld control device which allow complete access to the Clinton Mobile Robotic Control System, as Chairman Mao called it.

SENATOR POINTCAST: Uhh, Mr. Sullivan, who killed JonBenet Ramsey?

SULLIVAN: Hillary and Harold Ickes.

SENATOR MARIMBA: Mr. Sullivan, who bit off Evander Holyfield's ear?

SULLIVAN: Hillary and Harold Ickes. Though apparently it was based on an idea that George Stephanopolous had one night, while skin-popping angel dust with Ruth Bader Ginsburg right after watching the WCW Clash of Champions Pay-Per-View, sometime last spring.

Apple Morphs

Following the, uh, early withdrawal of CEO and former turnaround whiz, Gil Amelio, Apple Computer, today, announced a complete restructuring and total transformation of all aspects of its corporate essence.

"On September 1st," an anonymous Apple RealAudio webcast-spokesperson, stated, "Apple will no longer be called 'Apple,' but will be reborn under its new name 'Valujet.'

"Its new corporate spokesperson, Mike Tyson, will present the new corporate motto, 'Stop using Windows or I'll bite your fuckin' ear off,' and will introduce the new corporate icon, Joe Camel, who will be emblazoned on all our new product lines, which will include hi-nicotine cigarettes, lo-cost, do-it-yourself silicone breast implants, and hi-potency fen-phen tablets."

The spokesvoice also stated that, "In order to be able to respond more quickly to rapidly-changing market conditions, Apple/Valujet will move its corporate headquarters to a totally mobile platform, aboard the Exxon-Valdez tanker, skippered, of course, by the ever-steady hand of Captain Rodney King.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F