Friday, July 10, 1998
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Drugs Corporation Launches Anti-Frying Pan Campaign

Atlanta, GA - (July 10) - President Clint Newton of the National Drugs Corporation of America, yesterday, announced the immediate implementation, starting today, of a 5-year, 2 billion dollar national advertising campaign designed to stamp out the sudden mysterious rash of eggs being brutally smashed with frying pans, that is currently sweeping the nation.

"This going around with frying pans and brutally smashing eggs thing has got to stop!! NOW!!" President Newton told a screaming audience of professional screaming audience professionals. And to emphasize his point, he laid out a whole carton of eggs on the podium and smashed the living fuck out of them all with a single swipe of the presidential iron frying pan -- if you know what I mean.

The first wave of new anti-frying pan commercials will begin appearing today in the Wall Street Journal and on Walt Disney's ABC Nightline with Ted Koppel, tonight, and are aimed at teaching 6-year-olds how, if they go around smashing eggs with frying pans, then, instead of getting good jobs wearing bulky white suits and working in a sterile vacuum growing precise skin cancers on their arms to be used in ultra high-speed microprocessors for settop boxes of the future, instead, if they do go around smashing eggs with frying pans, then they will only be able to get shitty jobs in the advertising game, where they will have to sit around drinking coffee, sending email, pretending to "have ideas," learning new buzz words, playing with Photoshop, and working on lame, dishonest, disingenuous, playfully sanctimonious ads that make adults think they're ads trying to teach kids not to smash eggs with frying pans or else they might end up in some infinitely recursive job of making ads for themselves or people like themselves, admonishing them not to smash eggs with frying pans or else they'll end up being people like themselves telling themselves and other people like themselves not to smash eggs with frying pans or else they'll wind up being infinitely recursive people like themselves... and so on.

Meanwhile, the Egg Corporation of America, today, announced that it will be doing approximately "the same damn thing, except we will be doing the same damn thing with an emphasis on the egg, rather than on the frying pan."

Meanwhile, the Countertop Corporation of America has announced that, starting tomorrow, it will launch a 4 billion dollar ad campaign on CSPAN, to teach infants to emit high pitched piercing screams at the sight of someone smashing an egg with a frying pan on a countertop -- but not to make a sound or even really give a flaming flying fuck when someone smashes an egg with a frying pan on a surface other than a countertop -- like, say, a steaming summer car roof, nuclear warhead, or human cranium.

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