C'mon. Buy my fuckin' book!! The Washington Pissed
Monday, July 12, 1999

Nobel Prize committee will offer new Nobel "equivalency" prizes
The Nobel Prize Selection Committee announced today that it will begin awarding 3 new Nobel "Equivalency" Prizes for people who "obviously probably deserve a Nobel prize but just haven't, you know, actually gotten around to actually, you know, doing anything yet."

The Nobel Peace Equivalency Prize will be awarded to someone who really really wants to bring about total and absolute world peace for all time, but just hasn't, you know, had the time to actually, you know, think about setting aside some time to actually, you know, sit down and think about getting around to actually thinking about actually doing, you know, something about it sometime.

The Nobel Equivalency Prize in Physics will be awarded to the person who definitely has it all figured out and could probably come up with a perfectly simple Unified Field Theory that even Dan Quayle could understand, but just doesn't really have the time right now to sit down and actually work out the precise equations, on account of MTV is doing a "Real World" marathon all this week.

The Nobel Equivalency Prize for Literature will be awarded to the person who obviously probably could write the most literarily killer blockbuster novel of all time, but just hasn't quite, you know, gotten around to doing it yet 'cause she's still waiting for a close friend to move to a smaller apartment so she can get his old dining room table to write it on.

Congress approves sweeping tax cuts!!
People who sweep their sidewalks and/or driveways 5 times a week, may be eligible for a 2% across the board....

American Dream only exists "in your dreams," study finds
A study conducted at the world-famous Stanford Sleep Lab, or wherever, has found that, almost by definition, the only time the American Dream is actually gonna happen to you is, you know "in your dreams, man. In your fuckin' dreams."

So, like, why bother waking up?

Commercial feasibility no longer commercially feasible
Things have apparently gotten so tough that, apparently, even....

    a tongue -- but not 'just' a tongue, if you know what I mean. Not content with dominance of the human palm by its PalmPilot(TM) handheld personal digital computing device thingy, 3Com corporation of El Cerrito, California is attempting to extend its computational hegemony to other human body parts. Though still under wraps, reliable sources indicate, the soon-to-be-released TonguePilot(TM) will look and operate much like the unit depicted above. Also in the works, a docking station to allow TonguePilots to interact seamlessly with the heavily-rumored but still adamantly denied CrotchPilots(TM).

Lexus unveils new "Chainsaw Massacre" Model

World apparently still exists

Bench-clearing brawls will become official Olympic sport in 2000

Ebay has rare on-age

Ricky Martin named head of NASA

Ricky Martin named president of Harvard

New iMacs will look like Ricky Martin

Pentagon computers not hacked between 3:00 and 3:15 AM today

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Another opportunity to help salvage my fragile ego by buying my fucking book.  Thank you.

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC