Nobel Prize committee will offer new Nobel "equivalency" prizes
The Nobel Prize Selection Committee announced today that it will begin awarding 3 new Nobel "Equivalency" Prizes for people who "obviously probably deserve a Nobel prize but just haven't, you know, actually gotten around to actually, you know, doing anything yet."

The Nobel Peace Equivalency Prize will be awarded to someone who really really wants to bring about total and absolute world peace for all time, but just hasn't, you know, had the time to actually, you know, think about setting aside some time to actually, you know, sit down and think about getting around to actually thinking about actually doing, you know, something about it sometime.

The Nobel Equivalency Prize in Physics will be awarded to the person who definitely has it all figured out and could probably come up with a perfectly simple Unified Field Theory that even Dan Quayle could understand, but just doesn't really have the time right now to sit down and actually work out the precise equations, on account of MTV is doing a "Real World" marathon all this week.

The Nobel Equivalency Prize for Literature will be awarded to the person who obviously probably could write the most literarily killer blockbuster novel of all time, but just hasn't quite, you know, gotten around to doing it yet 'cause she's still waiting for a close friend to move to a smaller apartment so she can get his old dining room table to write it on.

Congress approves sweeping tax cuts!!
People who sweep their sidewalks and/or driveways 5 times a week, may be eligible for a 2% across the board....

American Dream only exists "in your dreams," study finds
A study conducted at the world-famous Stanford Sleep Lab, or wherever, has found that, almost by definition, the only time the American Dream is actually gonna happen to you is, you know "in your dreams, man. In your fuckin' dreams."

So, like, why bother waking up?

Commercial feasibility no longer commercially feasible
Things have apparently gotten so tough that, apparently, even....

AUTOMOTIVE
Lexus unveils new "Chainsaw Massacre" Model

WORLD NEWS
World apparently still exists

SPORTS
Bench-clearing brawls will become official Olympic sport in 2000

BUSINESS
Ebay has rare on-age

SCIENCE
Ricky Martin named head of NASA

EDUCATION
Ricky Martin named president of Harvard

TECHNOLOGY
New iMacs will look like Ricky Martin

GOVERNMENT
Pentagon computers not hacked between 3:00 and 3:15 AM today