Monday, July 14, 1997
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Microsoft Denies "Entertainment is OVER!"

Redford, WA - (July 14) - Struggling to find a product formula that so-called netizens might be willing to give a flying fuck about, Microsoft Network of Redmush, Washington, today, unveiled a series of new fall programming concepts, not so much because they just felt like it, but more because they were forced to -- in response to charges by CNET that CNN had alleged that The Wall Street Journal (of all people) had claimed that inside sources had let leak the startling revelation that Microsoft doesn't have one flying fuck of an idea, what it's doing vis-à-vis the, you know, whole "entertainment" thing. (Not to mention, of course, vis-à-vis the, you know, whole software thing.)

At a press conference held early this morning on Microsoft Lawn, Microsoft Network spokesperson, Mike Fibonacci, did everything he could to try to dispel the now industry-wide speculation that Entertainment itself, just may, in fact, be the fuck OVER. O-V-E-R

"Today, we will be unveiling a whole new series," said Fibonacci, "Of not just whole new programs, but of whole new programming concepts. According to the latest Nielsen Survey, the typical user of the internet is a jaded, soulless, psychopathic motherfuck who won't settle for anything less than whole new anti-stories about whole new classes of organisms made outta whole new biologies based on whole new chemistries founded on whole new kinds of physics, well beyond the simple kinds that underlie so-called para-psychological phenomena."

After getting off a string of personal product placement announcements, mostly for the new Damark Overstock 377-GX Coupe, Fibonacci tried to explain the whole new programming concepts that would be generating the whole new shows that would be appearing any day now on MSN, contrary to what CNET said CNN said the Wall Street Journal said inside sources at Microsoft said. If you know what I mean.

"OK," said Fibonacci, "First we're gonna deliver direct experience to the user at home that the user has never experienced before. We call it 'PassiveU,' since it's kinda the exalted state you reach after you've been faithfully doing lots and lots of 'ActiveX.' Sorta like Nirvana and Meditation -- if you know what I mean."

According to Fibonacci, the new MSN is basically about "hyper-entertainment, which means the popular recreationalization of mass-murder and other lethal capabilities normally possessed only by powerful governments or advanced research facilities."

The flagship "show" of the new lineup will apparently be "The Recreational Nuclear Blackmail Hour," which lets you, the home user with just a 28.8 modem and any web browser, actually threaten the total nuclear devastation of any major world city, including the ability to actually blow off a couplea quick, dirty 1945 Thin-Man type atomic bombs on the outskirts of that city, just to let them know you're not, you know, fucking around.

Other shows, still being "fleshed out" as we speak, include, "The Recreational Near-Death Experience Hour," where the user at home, with just a 28.8 modem and any web browser, will be taken to the very edge of death, to experience all that cool Kubler-Ross kinda stuff, and then miraculously, at the very last possible moment, be pulled back from the brink by Bill Gates or Steve Ballmer or whoever, and brought back to life and given a free 30-day trial version of Microsoft Anti-Virus.

But the show Microsoft is really apparently betting Microsoft Store on, is the all new "Recreational Honesty Hour," where all 9 million users of Microsoft Network, at home, with just a 28.8 modem and any web browser, suddenly tell EVERYBODY else on Microsoft Network the whole absolute fucking truth about every sordid little thing in their lives, just as, you know, a purely recreational, vacational kinda thing, of course ... like boating, or dirt opera.

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