C'mon. Buy my fuckin' book!! The Washington Pissed
Wednesday, July 14, 1999

USDA warns "Twinkies UNSAFE!!"
The US Department of Agriculture has issued a warning that Hostess Twinkies may be unsafe for human consumption due to possible e. coli contamination inherent in the patented Twinkie-making process itself. "People are advised to remove the contaminated 'creme' filling from the Hostess Twinkie and thoroughly wash out the inside with hot water and Lysol, before attempting to eat it," a USDA spokesperson stated.

USDA warns "ice cream not safe"
Ice cream should be thoroughly washed with 20-Mule-Team Boraxo and hot water, the US Department of Aguaculture advised whoever was listening, today ....

Buncha fuckin' sentimental drunks estimate how much of their right arms they'd give for each other
Buncha fuckin' sentimental ole drunken losers, yesterday, sat around somebody's fucking kitchen somewhere telling each other how much of their right arms they'd give for each other because of how much they loved each other -- the amount of this love being only contingent on whether they, like, ran outta Dorvans or Darvans, or whatever, for the pain of the ostensible pinched nerve in their right thigh that suddenly began plaguing them for no reason immediately after "totally, 110% accidentally" shooting their "girlfriend" through the stomach with a .22, last week, in this same damn kitchen -- though the bullet missed all vital organs and exited cleanly out the back, without even any blood.

Senate unanimously passes Patience Bill of Rice
The US Senate today unanimously passed a measure stating that if you really really showed a lot of patience, they just might pay your last Chinese Restaurant bill for all the fried rice you ate. The measure had previously been stalled in committee for many months over a controversial provision that would have also payed for your char shoo ding.

a tongue -- but not 'just' a tongue, if you know what I mean.
While trying to figure out just what the, you know, "fuck" they should do about those weird little biotech so-called "stem cell" thingies, President Clinton's expert advisory panel on biotechnology accidentally scarfed down some of them damn selfsame little embryo stem cell thingies themselves, mistakenly thinking they were just some kinda new-fangled over-easy kinda breakfast thingie or something.

Ricky Martin has headache, takes aspirin, it goes away

France is, apparently, a country -- or something

MTV buys MIT, changes name to MIT-V

Killer App arrested in Georgia

Bob Smith quits Republican Party "on account of it's just a buncha dumbasses"

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Another opportunity to help salvage my fragile ego by buying my fucking book.  Thank you.

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC