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USDA warns "Twinkies UNSAFE!!"
The US Department of Agriculture has issued a warning
that Hostess Twinkies may be unsafe for human
consumption due to possible e. coli contamination
inherent in the patented Twinkie-making process itself.
"People are advised to remove the contaminated 'creme'
filling from the Hostess Twinkie and thoroughly wash out
the inside with hot water and Lysol, before attempting
to eat it," a USDA spokesperson stated.
USDA warns "ice cream not safe"
Ice cream should be thoroughly washed with 20-Mule-Team
Boraxo and hot water, the US Department of Aguaculture
advised whoever was listening, today ....
Buncha fuckin' sentimental drunks estimate how much of
their right arms they'd give for each other
Buncha fuckin' sentimental ole drunken losers,
yesterday, sat around somebody's fucking kitchen
somewhere telling each other how much of their right
arms they'd give for each other because of how much they
loved each other -- the amount of this love being only
contingent on whether they, like, ran outta Dorvans or
Darvans, or whatever, for the pain of the ostensible
pinched nerve in their right thigh that suddenly began
plaguing them for no reason immediately after "totally,
110% accidentally" shooting their "girlfriend" through
the stomach with a .22, last week, in this same damn
kitchen -- though the bullet missed all vital organs and
exited cleanly out the back, without even any blood.
Senate unanimously passes Patience Bill of Rice
The US Senate today unanimously passed a measure stating
that if you really really showed a lot of
patience, they just might pay your last Chinese
Restaurant bill for all the fried rice you
ate. The measure had previously been stalled in
committee for many months over a controversial provision
that would have also payed for your char shoo ding.
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While trying to figure out just what the, you know,
"fuck" they should do about those weird little biotech
so-called "stem cell" thingies, President Clinton's
expert advisory panel on biotechnology accidentally
scarfed down some of them damn selfsame little embryo
stem cell thingies themselves, mistakenly thinking they
were just some kinda new-fangled over-easy kinda
breakfast thingie or something.
HEALTH NEWS
Ricky Martin has headache, takes aspirin, it goes
away
WORLD NEWS
France is, apparently, a country -- or something
EDUCATION/BUSINESS
MTV buys MIT, changes name to MIT-V
TECHNOLOGY
Killer App arrested in Georgia
POLITICS
Bob Smith quits Republican Party "on account of it's just a buncha
dumbasses"
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