Wednesday, July 16, 1997
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Miami Bch, FL - (July 16) - Americans everywhere breathed a long deep sigh of relief yesterday, as they finally managed to shake off that old dorky Mars tinker-toy geek-rock thing and get back to something that's real and spiritual and deeply inspirational for them. You know -- celebrity murder.

"The American people really really like celebrity murder," said average American, Rebecca Kramer of Natick, Mass, expressing an opinion echoed by average Americans everywhere, regardless of race class gender or OS preference.

"I mean," Kramer continued, "After a hard day of bullshit and lies, it's nice to come home to something honest, like murder -- cold-blooded, pre-meditated, malice aforethought -- where you know, if only for a moment, somebody really meant it. No lies. No compromise. 24-7. Roger. Out."

Kramer's voice took on the staticky sound of a cockpit radio, as she walked slowly backwards and dissolved into the moving crowd.

Meanwhile, in only its first day online, accused serial and made-for-Larry-King Versace murderer, Andrew Cunanan's website, WWW.CUNANAN.COM, has already received over 550 million hits, far surpassing the website traffic of both NASA's Mars goop and Playboy's angry beavers, put together.

"We've been really gratified by all the traffic," said Cunanan, who single-handedly maintains the site while on the run from FBI, using a Calvin Klein pentium laptop with an Armani 28.8 modem, "And I really wanna thank all the many kind people who've written in with suggestions about who I should, you know, kill next."

Despite his mail, though, Cunanan said he thought the "Wired" staff were all fine people, doing the best they could with limited resources and under difficult circumstances, and that he would continue to make his own decisions when it came to victim selection, and was more interested, frankly, in doing more widely-known celebrities.

"How about Buchanan," Cunanan asked. "Is he still alive? Or is that guy on TV just some Disney animatron they use?"

According to Cunanan, major US cities are now bidding for his services. "The citizens have already voted electronically," he said, "And they're pretty much unanimous about how much they want me to come to their town."

Last night, for example, according to CNN, when Cunanan arrived in Daytona Beach, traffic pulled quietly off the road and thousands of pedestrians stopped milling about and respectfully queued up along either side of the street as the popular spree killer walked slowly down the middle of the road, smile tinged with just a hint of sadness, firing at random into the crowd, occasionally stopping to replace a spent clip, and then continue on again, walking, firing, people falling over, accompanied by the slow, growing, methodical chant of the assembled citizens, "Go! Go! Go!"

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