C'mon. Buy my fuckin' book!! The Washington Pissed
Friday, July 16, 1999

House "Intelligence" Committee passes encrypted encryption bill
The House "Intelligence" Committee Thursday unanimously approved legislation to do something or other about the controversial, you know, whole encryption thingie or other, but since the bill was written entirely in encrypted Pig Latin, they didn't have a fucking clue what it said -- but who's counting? Anyway, the core provision of the legislation provides for f67ay   d6e6@2fay   fuFo?ay   se37??57day   fkZj+83ay   HGy=u/ay   fvbN?>ay   7&G8ay   gd$ks64f8ay   %610&gfkeay. If you know what I mean.

Macdonald's includes free 400 MHz computer with every order of fries
Beginning Monday, MacDonald's corporation, inventor of the carbohydrate, will be giving away a free Intel Celeron-based 400-MHz computer with every order of its so-called "fries." "This is not just some candyass 'special promotion'," said MacDonald's CEO Country "Joe" MacDonald, "but something we'll be doing every day. It's just our way of saying: 'Hey. Information technology is worth about as much as a fucking order of fries'."

Doritos unveils computer-on-a-chip
Doritos brand corn chips and National Semiconductor brand semiconductors released a computer-on-a-chip today, a direct competitor to the recently announced IBM computer-on-a-chimp. The National Semiconductor-Doritos computer-on-a-chip features a 500-Mhz Pentium III, and a precision-engineered case and component layout design that allows it to balance perfectly on the thin edge of an upright corn chip. "As long as you don't sneeze or speak loudly or walk around," said Doritos CEO Joe Doritos, "the computer is guaranteed not to fall over and be smashed to tiny little pieces, permanently destroying all your precious so-called 'data' forever."

Compaq unveils computer-on-a-pizza
Compaq computer and Pizza Hut announced the new Correleone family of pizzas today which integrate most of the electronic functions needed for an information appliance such as a set-top box or handheld Pentagon hacking nuclear missile launcher (PHNML). The standard "Vito" pizza comes with 64 megs of PC-100 Cheese, an 8.4 gigabyte Anchovy, Super Socket-7 100-MHz Sauce, 44X pepperoni, and 450-MHz AMD K6-II 'shrooms.

Roto Rooter offers free computer with every drain
"It's just our way of saying," said Roto-rooter CEO Joe Roto, "that information technology isn't worth what you've got shooting up out of your shower drain and streaming out from underneath your toilet, if, in fact, you have stuff shooting up out of your shower drain and streaming out from underneath your toilet. And if you don't, contact us and we'll see what we can do about it."

The campaign committee of Republican front-runner What's His Name released the above photo as a concrete example of what What's His Name means when What's His Name refers to "youthful indiscretions." "Now shut the fuck up and go snort some damn coke," the spokesman stated in closing.

Americans contract Alzheimers, forget Ricky What's His Name's name

Christ was NOT born in California, foreigners claim.

AT&T buys MIT, changes name to MIT&T

Dan Quayle scientifically proven to be stoooooopid

George W. Bush brushes teeth, but misses a tooth flossing

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC