Friday, July 17, 1998
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Massive Manhunt Turns Up Massive Man

Northington, NC - (July 17) - A massive manhunt in the densely wooded hills of someplace in North Carolina for escaped serial killer, what's his name, has apparently stumbled on its worst enemy's worst nightmare, a massive man.

"California law requires that any massive manhunt must detain and arrest any massive man it encounters in the line of duty," said Northtown Sheriff, Garth Register Jr.

"If they didn't," said California Attorney-General, Garth Register Sr. "They'd be making a virtual mockery of mockery itself. Now wouldn't they."

"That's always a problem when you launch a massive manhunt," said Sheriff Rebecca Kramer of Northumberland County, North Carolina. "If you actually find what you're, semantically but not conceptually, looking for, a massive man, then whaddya do? It's like the old Chinese proverb, 'Be careful what you wish for, or it might just be deja vu all over again till it's over.'"

Even though the massive manhunt was launched in North Carolina, the California massive manhunt statute apparently applies here cause, apparently, the massive man is so massive, he extends all the way to California -- at which point, all jurisdictional bets are utterly, like, off.

According to manhunt leader, Beverley Firestone, the massive man has gone undetected all these years and decades cause, apparently he is so massive that no one sees him.

"It's sort of a 'forest for the trees' kinda thing," said Deputy Sheriff, Forrest Trees. "He is soooo big, you just think he's the sky or the stars or a snowstorm."

Class Action Suit Derided

"When I bought this suit," stated complainee Hollis Mosher III, at a press conference called by the National Press Conference Calling Association, "The salesman swore that not only would it get me lots of hot XXX-rated 'action,' but that this 'action' wouldn't be just sluts and whores, but really, you know, class action. Well, I'm here, today, to tell you, this damn suit barely got me any action at all. Class or otherwise."

Apparently Mr. Mosher is not alone, and, later today, a class action suit will be filed against the makers of the class action suit.

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