C'mon. Buy my fuckin' book!! The Washington Pissed
Wednesday, July 21, 1999

Accidental mini-Big-Bang sucks Nevada into mini-black hole
An accidental mini-Big-Bang occurred early this morning as the by-product of a high-energy physics experiment designed to produce, in the laboratory, some of those cute little subatomic particle thingies known as strange quarks. The oxymoronic mini-Big-Bang has apparently caused the state of Nevada to be completely sucked into a mini-black hole, Wayne Newton and all.

"Whoops," said AT&T&A president Dr. Rebecca Kramer who only yesterday had been telling reporters about how it was really really totally probably fairly unlikely that her experiment would lead to an accidental mini-Big Bang, causing an accidental mini-black hole that would accidentally suck everything into nothingness forever.

Study findings need more study, study finds
A study....

Can of Draino a day may prevent heart disease in gerbils, study suggests
A can of...

Vitamin E may combat vitamin C
If you are suffering from vitamin C, now there may be a cure. Vitamin E has been shown to be effective in reducing the risk of vitamin C in 6 out of 10 laboratory cows. Many people intentionally contracted vitamin C several years or weeks ago, when it was mistakenly believed that vitamin C cured vitamin D which had been mistakenly believed, a few weeks prior to that, to cure plutonium which had been mistakenly believed to cure rickets in laboratory gynecologists, or something, several weeks before that, and so on.

10 drinks a day may reduce risk of caring about being on your 11th
Consuming ten alcoholic beverages a day has been shown to help reduce the risk of giving a flying fuck about the fact that you're now on your 11th -- and counting -- and in 6 out of 9 laboratory squid, it also totally eliminated that nagging feeling about how, like, what a load of shit it all is.

Hormone linked to hormone study
The presence of the hormone Hormonerone is apparently closely linked with the desire to study the hormone Hormonerone and discover that it's directly linked to the desire to study the hormone Hormonerone, and so on, recursively.

JFK Jr.'s plane was mechanically sound, in perfect working order, and had been thoroughly checked out just prior to take off, according to the head of the aircraft's maintenance crew, Lee Harvey Oswald Jr.

Budweiser changes name to Bloodweiser, launches color-coordinated beer to drink while using iMacs

Apparently there's some place called Kosovo

Going ballistic now viable alternative to going public

HHS calls for Bloodweiser Hospital to call itself something else

Perfect game marred by hits, runs

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC