Tuesday, July 22, 1997
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CNET says CNN "Pushes Porn"

CNN, Georgia - (July 22) - In a startling exposé, CNET, the Confusion NETwork, has revealed that CNN, ostensibly the "Cable News Network," is, in reality, CNN: the "Child Nookie Network."

According to a CNET spokesperson, whose name was withheld pending notification of Andrew Cunanan's next of kin's next of kin, "CNN, behind a sleazy front of news, sports, weather, stock market reports, live events, breaking news, and other assorted instances of head&word-stream, is, in reality, the world's leading purveyor of child pornography and associated sleazeball genres."

This report was first published in the recent non-fiction novel-for-television, "Beating Stress Off," in which the accusations against CNN are about to be made at a press conference given by Dr. Ean Brino, at the First Annual Meeting of the International Ad Hoc Committee on Child Pornography, but just as he's about to lay them out, the podium is stormed by the press and he's murdered in cold blood, but without pain.

Because the meeting was being, you know, globally video-tele-conferenced up the wazoo, however, millions of uninterested people around the world witness the murder, but everyone sees a completely different perpetrator and completely different motives.

Following the CNET press conference about the book about the press conference about CNN, CNN denied everything and stated that if there was any wrongdoing, the blame should, obviously, all go to the same hackers or crackers or whoever, that ESPN and the NBA blamed, when they got caught blatantly ripping off their customers' credit cards for fucking nickel and dime spare change (the nickel-and-dime motherfucking corporate shitbags!).

Despite CNN's denials and attempted blame-shifting, and despite the fact that, in the non-fiction TV novel, Dr. Brino is murdered before he can reveal the truth about CNN, researchers for the R&D labs at Charles Manson Media, using advanced para-statistical techniques, have shown that a simple skip code applied to the following passage from the novel, pretty much nails CNN to the Wall, vis-a-vis, you know, the whole porn thing:

She had made enough money by inventing Gay Cheerios and Gay Corn Flakes, to be able to retire at 25 and rent this exotic villa overlooking the golden city.

During the mass murder season, she spent most days being driven at high speed through the Holland tunnel by claustrophobic chauffeurs on fifteen cups of coffee and a handful of angel dust.

By overlooking several levels of meaning and adding distorted classical references, she was able to get Paramount to green-light her lo-budge indie film, "Pure and Utter," best described by ex-backers as "a bunch a babes sittin' around talkin' about murder, death, and branded channels of internet content distributed over the vertical blanking interval via the wireless data-casting conduit thing."

It is left as an exercise for the reader and/or his or her IP or IM or I whatever department, to determine the skip code and the hidden message. All entries should be submitted to the FBI at the Andrew Cunanan hotline/website 1-800-cunanan.com.

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