Wednesday, July 22, 1998
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MTV Debuts Baby Murder Quiz Show Sitcom

NY, NY - (July 22) - Tonight at 10:30 PM, MTV, the Massachusetts institute of Technology Video cable music channel, will premier its long-awaited new series "Baby Killers Vs. Baby Kidnappers."

Already a runaway smash hit show even before its first airing, "Baby Killers Vs. Baby Kidnappers," has been called "a cold reboot of human consciousness, threatening, at the very least, to re-initialize all our motherfucking cognitive parameters," by reporters who haven't even seen it yet, at either the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times.

And according to MTV president, Rebecca Kramer, the ambiguities in the title are an integral part of the demographic appeal or weltanschaung of the show.

"See," she said, "some people will watch the show cause they think it's about babies who are killers, matching wits with babies who are kidnappers -- while other people will tune in cause they think it's gonna be about people who have killed babies, matching wits with people who have only kidnapped babies."

According to Kramer, these 2 audiences are totally, 100% mutually exclusive, and each comprises exactly 49% of the population.

"So we had to find a way to give each of these audiences what it wanted, without alienating the other audience," she told CNN -- but CNN, according to Newsweek, failed to report the story due to pressure from, you know, "upstairs."

Kramer went on to state that the exactly 2% of the world population who didn't fall into one of these two demographic categories were obviously all utter motherfucking sicko weirdo slimeball scumbag dickheads and should immediately be sentenced to death by lethal injection or permanently remanded to the custody of either Geraldo or Mike Tyson.

The new all-baby programming, which has been sweeping all networks and all demographics for several years now, is part of a larger cosmic trend first noted by researchers at UC Los Angeles Psych-Film School. "After years of painstaking research," one of the painstaking researchers told Newsweek -- though, according to CNN, Newsweek got it totally wrong cause, apparently, they're all just a buncha fuckin' losers, "we have proven conclusively that all life is, really, just long periods of intense boredom, punctuated by meticulously detailed months of trials for baby murdering or baby kindnapping, with the occasional 'baby miraculously recovers from previously unknown fatal disease,' thrown in, like a mutation in a gene pool, just in case."

"For so long," Geraldo or Larry King told Kramer, "we, as the quintessential cognitive species, have made the fatal mistake of thinking there were ideas or events or understanding, when, in reality, reality is just crimes and trials and then sitting around and waiting for the next crime or trial. -- A crime being any story at all with a baby in it.

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