Thursday, July 24, 1997
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Cunanan Lives!

Miami Beach, FL - (July 24) - A red-faced and slightly angel-dusted animated spokestoon appearing on a Miami Police Force video tape informed the press, early this morning, that, apparently, the dead guy they found on the houseboat who they didn't find the first two times they searched, but who suddenly turned up unexpectedly on the third search, -- the guy who they'd earlier identified as unquestionably Andrew Cunanan, based on a match of his thumb print or whatever,-- well, it sorta turned out that this guy turned out, suddenly, now, to not, you know, be, like, you know, Andrew Cunanan, at, like, fucking all!

"Apparently the guy we took off the houseboat who we didn't find the first two times we searched but did find the third time we, you know, searched, apparently isn't, you know, Andrew Cunanan after all," the spokestoon said. "Though we initially did have a match between the victim's thumb print and Cunanan's, on further examination, we found that the prints of all other fingers didn't match."

"In fact," the toon continued, "Each individual fingerprint of the victim, matches the fingerprint of a different serial killer from the recent annals of American mass murder history.

"That is, the victim's right hand forefinger print matches the right hand forefinger print of John Wayne Gacy. His, uh, you know, middle finger print exactly matches the right hand, uh, middle finger print of The Son of Sam. The next finger matches exactly the finger print of The Boston Strangler. And the fingerprint of the little pinky exactly matches the pinky fingerprint of generic corporate shitbags (TM) all over the world and throughout all recorded time."

Shortly after the police cartoon video was released, however, a surprise press conference was called by the Disney Corporation to adamantly deny all stories, speculations, and rumors that, in fact, the real Cunanan had simply had his contract picked up by Disney for the cost of some fresh wheels and a years supply of Doritos and Coke.

"I just want to completely deny," the Disney spokesperson told the press, "All rumors that, in fact, the living Andrew Cunanan is now under contract to Disney and will be used to advertise a new theme park based on his cross-country killing spree, called 'The Cunanan Canon,' which will feature live ammunition and cover hundreds of miles of actual physical terrain, ending on a meal of pizza with everything, but no anchovies."

"I also wish to categorically deny," the Disney spokesperson continued after adjusting his mouse ears, "All reports that the body found by police was a part-human, part-computer-generated person constructed by a Disney special effects team and made to look and talk and act and have the same thumb print as Andrew Cunanan, while, at the same time, having other fingerprints that matched other famous serial killers -- as a subtle nod to the concept that History still matters and is not yet, you know, history.

"I also wish to deny," the Disney spokesperson continued, "Rumors that the real person attached to the Andrew Cunanan brand name, was abducted and anally probed by outer space aliens hired by Disney, and that this person is now safely in their possession at an undisclosed safehouse in a distant, undefined galaxy."

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