Friday, July 24, 1998
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Murdoch Will Convert Crappy Dodgers Into Slimy HMO

Sydney, AUSTR - (July 24) - Saying he was discouraged and disgusted and repulsed and putrefied by the lame lackluster mediocre performance of his recently acquired so-called "baseball" team, the so-called "Los Angeles" Dodgers, media mogul and reputed slimeball, Rupert Murdoch, announced, today, that he would convert the pathetic lackluster mediocre so-called "baseball" team, into the nation's leading slimeball Health Maintenance Organization.

"First we'll have Lasorda backslap the shit out of every would-be patient," said Murdoch, "and convince 'em they're not really sick at all -- and, then, if that doesn't work and they continue to argue and insist that they're really sick, we'll just have Mondesi pop 'em one in the skull with a pin point throw from the warning track in dead center. Case closed."

Ballmer Named President of Microsoft!!!

Ballmer was named president of Microsoft!!! He succeeds whoever preceded him at the job, and precedes whoever will succeed him when he decides to move on or has it decided for him. The move was intended to help free up chairman Bill Gates so he'll have much more time, now, to spend crushing newborn little baby chickens to death with a single bare hand, while the other hand is tied behind his back as prescribed in his life-long cross-merchandising deal with Satan.

Portal Thing Is NOT Load Of Utter Motherfucking Bullshit Says Research Group

According to new research conducted by the Smartass Group, of Denton Texas, the whole, you know, so-called "portal" thing, is apparently NOT just another load of utter motherfucking slimeball bullshit like everything else associated with the so-called "internet," especially where, you know, so called "$$$$$$" are involved.

"The whole portal thing is definitely NOT a hot stinking load of utter motherfucking slimeball dickbrain bullshit," said Garth Smartass of the highly-respected Smartass Group research organization. "In fact, by the year 2000 -- if they can get the bug out of it -- 4 or 5 portals will have been cloned into everybody's DNA -- like mice."

According to Smartass, there are only 3 ways all humans and businesses can avoid being crushed to pulp like a little baby chicken in Bill Gates' hand, by the whole portal thing:

1) They can specialize in designing portal warning stickers like: "WARNING: If you are currently drunk on your ass, please do not buy this $5,000 tru-life sex doll, as it is, you know, JUST THE FUCKIN LIQUOR TALKIN', ASSHOLE!"

2) They can NOT sell the ponzi futures market short


3) uhh, something else.

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