C'mon. Buy my fuckin' book!! The Washington Pissed
Monday, July 26, 1999

Concert Ends In Silent Rampage
Hundreds of thousands of Woodstock concertgoers ended this year's annual bogus capitalist testosterone money-grubbing load of capitalist motherfucking bullshit so-called "concert" by donning saffron robes and silently rampaging through their own fucking minds and souls and any other internal organ they could find, overturning metaphorical automobiles and garbage cans and smashing sub-atomic plate glass windows, ending up still nowhere, but who's counting.

CNN debates too much coverage of over-coverage over-coverage
According to CNN, CNN will hold a debate this evening over whether there is too much coverage of the too much discussion and debate over whether there's just too much coverage of how like maybe there's just, like, a little too much fucking coverage of when some pretty but wrongly anointed human vessel of so-called "human hope" for the vapid vapid vapid vapid vapid vapid vapid vapid longings of the empty empty empty empty empty empty empty empty human soul suddenly dies young in some utterly stupid stupid Dan Quayle kinda way.

"Pro" Wrestling Embraces "Non" Violence!!!
Pro wrestling profits have been plummeting lately due to everybody's suddenly growing some little, you know, addendum to their brains that has made even the most stupidest dumbest Dan Quayles among them suddenly bored shitless with professional bored shitless wrestling no matter who gets killed how many bored shitless Vince McMahon asshole times. So, now, instead, big stupid dumbass morons will enter the ring and very genteelly play like bridge or scrabble or Mah Johng together or something. Then, when it's over, politely shake hands and go home and, off-camera, beat the living shit out of each other's families, held captive in, like, a mock-up of the Kon-Tiki in their basement lab, next to a mysterious, long un-opened Fed-Ex package from Tahiti.

Auction site: auction thyself
Amazon.com announced today that it was expanding its specialized auction site for old used up tchotchkas and old washed up human natures into an auction site for old washed up businesses as well, so that it could now auction itself off to itself on itself and then just keep selling and buying itself on itself to and from itself over and over and over again, so it no longer needs no more a them steenking dumbass loser customers out there no more.

Animals outline new business model
In the face of slumping profits, animals have decided to reinvent themselves and their niche in the organic continuum and to bet the store on a whole new business model that puts the customer first, the way Jeff Bezos used to, before he realized what a pile of shit it all is.

Answers to last week's "Match the Browser with the search term" quiz (taken from actual user logs):

Browser Search Term
tcs-gateway11.treas.gov Hillary's+blow+jobs
Christchurch.netaccess.net.nz girls+being+fucked+by+dogs

The Mickey House Club Jr.
An angry mob of teenagers and college students rioted late Sunday night when they learned that the Republican House tax cut proposal didn't include lowering the draconian MTV-watching tax. The students burned down whole cities and whole states and whole nations and whole continents and whole planets and whole solar systems and whole galaxies and whole universes as well as all the multiple false-start universes of which one day soon, surprise!!, this will turn out to be one too.

Vodka Found On the Sun

World all wrong, study finds

Now!! A Turing Test for the Soul

Being a money-grubbing capitalist shithole found to cause cancer in laboratory rats

Murdoch Found Bludgeoned to Death with Bats and Balls

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC