C'mon. Buy my fuckin' book!! The Washington Pissed
Wednesday, July 28, 1999

Reform Party Will Reform Schools for "Our Children"
The formerly wacky but now totally respectable due to its intimate connection with "professional wrestling" Reform Party released its party platform for the year 2000 today. "We need to totally reform our school system and turn our old crappy schools into new modernized reform schools," the Reform Party platform states.

New Welfare Machine Provides Safety Net for All Americans
IBM today announced a new Pentium III-based Welfare Machine which will provide the much sought-after safety net for all Americans. "The welfare seeker simply puts a quarter or a silver dollar in the little slot and pulls the little handle," said an IBM spokesman. "Then the welfare seeker takes off his or her hat and places it under a large opening at the bottom of the machine where it is either filled with quarters or with a single bullet, as determined by current Las Vegas betting odds."

MIT or MTV Announces New Line Of Gun Booths
MIT or MTV today announced a new line of Pentium III-based gun booths which operate much like telephone booths. "You just take a bullet out of your pocket," said a spokesperson from MIT or MTV, "insert it in this chamber, here, and sit in this chair, here, and then this mounted .357 Magnum, here, is micro-adjusted by our 2-billion lines of code artificial intelligence software to provide you with a totally clean severing of your corpus callosum, thereby permanently terminating your awareness of what shitty rotten bad luck you have on those damn welfare machines."

MIT or MTV discovers cause of extreme high temperatures
A team of leading researchers at MIT or MTV has discovered the apparent cause of the high temperatures currently being experienced by much of the country. "The extreme high temperatures currently being experienced by much of the country are, apparently, caused by, you know, it being really really hot," said Harvard and MIT and Yale and Princeton and Caltech and Stanford president, Rebecca Kramer.

Stuck in Traffic with Tricia Toyota
According to so-called "Fed" chairman Alan Greenspan, most of our current economic success is based on a 2.5% increase in Productivity which is entirely due to a 2.5% productivity increase in the production of deadly greenhouse gasses produced by workers spending hours each day stuck in stalled freeway traffic going to and from jobs where, as a result of everybody being worn out and pissed off by the time they get there, nothing ever gets done.

Whoops, Vodka Discovered On Sun Was Actually Only On Telescope Lens

World Declares Chapter 11; Dares Anybody To Do Anything About It

New In-Air Theme Park Provides Thrill of REAL Near Misses

New Microwave Technique Turns Puke Back Into Lunch For Unsuspecting In-Air Theme Park Goers

Ricky Martin Gearing Up For Comeback Try

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC