Tuesday, July 29, 1997
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"Fuck Money!" Say Pols

Wash., DC - (July 29) - After months of wrangling, Neo-leftist Cyber-Libertarians have agreed on a budget deal with rightest Neo-Cyber-Moderates and centrist Cyber-Republicans. Major sticking points of the deal had been things like whether Rodney King's salary as chauffeur of the Presidential limo should be doubled or whether it should be tripled.

Another sticking point had been whether, at the end of every press conference, congressional officials would be allowed to wink or smile and say, "Oh by the way, it's all bullshit and we're just in it for the money and our huge fucking egos -- but, hey, we're only human so, like, cut us some slack, Jack."

Another sticking point had been whether all movies would always have to end with about 40 people pulling up at a small field in their pickup trucks, and getting out and sloppily gunning each other down, till, at the end, there's only one survivor, the whore, left cradling the head of the one person who, as the movie has taken care to show us over the course of the last 85 minutes, was perhaps the only one of the 40 who didn't clearly "deserve" to die. Including the now sorrowful whore, who will, apparently go on to turn her life around and appear in the sequel to this movie where she's become a singing acrobat-motorcyclist appearing in corporate sponsored rodeos, but is also halfway through completing a screenplay, allegorically about how maybe she should have just fucking died in that fucking shootout, after all.

Another sticking point of the budgie agreement deal was like whether there should be a capitalist gains tax cut for people who refused to be either masters or slaves, and thus were in no position to gain anything and so couldn't be blackmailed into "giving something back" in exchange for one side or the other of a fucking whip.

Another sticking point was whether "Playboy" would have to reimburse the federal government for use of the picture of Susan McDougal-in-chains, as the centerfold of its Special Fall Bondage Issue.

Another sticking point was whether there should be a 500 dollar tax credit for people who service the peer delivery system for the nexus of control of the psyche, which is outside the genome and outside society and outside and above any single human or group of humans.

Another sticking point was whether it was time to get back to blind-side economics or not.

Another sticking point had been whether significant money could be saved off, you know, the budget, if, instead of giving people a fair trial, you just took 'em to the fair and gave em a free ride on a hot-air trial balloon, with Clifford Stoll at the helm and a crate of Stoli in the hatch.

Another sticking point was whether the agonized screams of the bitch who lived next door to the Senate -- which often interrupted important speeches and floor votes, and forced unplanned recesses -- were the result of rough sex with kept boys half her age, or the result of standard sex with illegal or endangered animals twice her age [in animal years].

And, in truth, that had really been the only thing really holding up the budget deal, and everything else had just been an excuse for it. "But, hey," said Senator Dingleballs, "We're only human. So please cut us some motherfucking slack, Jack."

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