Thursday, July 31, 1997
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FBI Uncovers Conspiracy of Brutal Eyeball People

Wash., DC - (July 31) - Apparently CNN,, MSNBC, ABC, the WB Network, The New York Times, and the USA Network and MTV and VH-1, have all, independently, uncovered a plot by the FBI to hide information on their website about a major US conspiracy of brutal, non-gay, serial mass mutilator-murderers operating nationwide and possibly worldwide.

According to a source at CNN, the information was found in an unadvertised, unlinked file on the FBI website -- and was uncovered by CNN and other news organizations by running a standard random-filename generating program which most brand name sites use to scan for accidental dirt and slime left lying around on competitors' or government web sites, and on all other personal and small-fry websites as well.

The FBI, of course, denies the existence of the file and the information in question, and will not comment on the veracity of the information, which it nonetheless is suing CNN, Disney, et al for releasing.

According to the information contained in the file, the FBI has taped lengthy meetings between human-appearing alien robots who have infiltrated American society at high levels, and who, in fact, preside over many leading American-based corporations.

"According to CNN's analysis of the RealAudio file of the tape of the meeting, found on the FBI website," a source at the WB Network said, "These aliens need eyeballs to survive. But not just regular old eyeballs. They need what they keep calling, a 'critical mass of eyeballs' which, as any nuclear schoolchild knows, means they need to get all the fucking eyeballs they can, and then smash 'em all together into the same tiny space, instantly, so the sum of the mass of all the eyeballs taken together reaches 'critical mass' in a split second, like an atom bomb, and explodes all over the place, releasing lots of tiny little radioactive eyeball fragments which is, apparently, what these aliens need to survive, much as we need Doritos and Stoli, or whatever, to survive."

Here is an edited version of parts of the MTV transcription of the online redacted version of the FBI tapes of the meeting, off the original scratchy RealAudio 1.1 file, or vice versa.

... take for example our new series, "Asteroids Contain Steroids" -- about a group of football players who travel into outer space to find, you know, the perfect steroids in an otherwise imperfect asteroid belt -- Now even though our over 951 million hits per day to the site are all generated by a single Tongan and his nuclear proliferated family, we at [Corporate name redacted up the wazoo] feel we can have a runaway bestseller once we have the technological advancements to get us past, you know, the bandwidth issue and enable us to generate, you know, the compelling content that allows us to move to other levels of the marketing budget where the transactional revenue model kicks in in more than only a niche-oriented way so we can have that relationship one-on-one with the consumer who wants to literally fuck our brand name cause we have aggregated enough aggregation of content to take advantage of our broadcast signal and build interactivity into the new model of the new content technology where, even though there's theoretically no barrier to entry or low barrier to entry, it's still not a level playing field given our promotional presence in things like show extensions on all new interactive platforms where we can see there's still a lot of growth that's gonna happen as long as we wait till the timing is right and just maintain our survivability in this evolving medium by establishing a brand and reaching out to our consumers and saying, "Hey! Consumer! Yah, You! C'mere. C'mere and gimme those motherfucking eyeballs -- you don't need em -- you're just usin' 'em to watch Larry King, and you already know his 2 facial expression, his two shirts and his 88 pairs of suspenders by heart."

Otherwise we will have to reach out with bulletins like: "Dear Cornsumer: We regret to inform you that we have run out of corn. This is due to the fact that our head purveyor of corn has had to be rushed to the hospital where he is now in hypocritical condition. Please whatever."

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