Wash, DC - (July 31) - "At the time," said the President," I was showing her a jar of my boyhood semen that I'd saved as a souvenir, and I'd just taken the top off, to let her taste it, when Harold Ickes burst in, unexpectedly, to see if I'd been assassinated yet."

"He had just taken the top off," said Lewinsky, "when Harold Ickes burst in. He tried to prevent it, but the jar fell out of his hands and spilled all over my dress, which had been given to me by Laetitia, of Stereolab."

"When I burst in to see if the President had been assassinated yet," said Harold Ickes, "the first thing I saw was the jar spilling something all over the navy blue cocktail dress, which I remember she once told me had been given to her by, like, Kim Gordon or Thurston Moore, or the Beastie Boys, or somebody."

"Nobody had heard any stomach or other body sounds," said Agent Kramer, "coming out of the oval office for over an hour. We thought maybe the President had been assassinated or something, so we sent in Harold Ickes to find out. See, Harold Ickes, he don't give a shit about nothin'."

"Things had already begun seemin' a bit strange to me, at that point," said Lewinsky, "but I played along in order not to violate the trust Dostoyevsky had placed in me, in a dream, when I was 3 years old."

"You see, when the President was 17," said the President's boyhood friend, Garth Register Jr. of Hot Springs, Arkansas, "he was told by the Rolling Stones, in a dream, that one day he would meet Monica Lewinsky, who would be sent by either Satan or Dostoyevsky. He didn't know if the Rolling Stones were just setting him up for a big fall years in advance, or not, but being religious, he saved his semen, uh, religiously for Monica to taste years later, and free her of Satan's or Dostoyevsky's hold, as Mick and the other Stones had told him to do. He figured he could just play it by ear if something did happen and, at least, then he'd know whether the Stones were just being a buncha fucking dickheads to him or not."

"Every Christian," said Agent Rebecca Kramer, "must determine for her own self, whether either the Rolling Stones or Jesus are just being a buncha fucking dickheads to her or not. That is what religion is all about."

"The substance found on Miss Lewinsky's dress," said Agent Mosher of the FBI lab, "was a crystalline faintly sweet hexahydroxy alcohol CH2OH(CHOH)4CH2OH that occurs esp. in mountain ash fruits, and may be obtained by reduction of L-sorbose."