Tuesday, August 5, 1997
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UPS in the Sky with Diamonds

Uzbeckistan or Somewhere - (Aug 5) - Not wishing to cross the UPS picket line in the sky, the Soyuz space capsule, or whatever, which was to carry Russian cosmonauts, or whoever, to replace the psychotic, heart-attacked goof-offs currently "manning" the Mir space station in outer space, blew itself up on the launch pad early this morning, scattering debris all over whatever ocean the launch facility is near, if, in fact, the launch facility is near some ocean.

UPS Strike Tanks Economy

The formerly supposedly unendingly booming US economy has now supposedly utterly tanked as a result of the UPS strike -- which had forced corporate shitbags everywhere to personally go out to every home and personally ram bogus goods and services personally down each individual American throat one at a time, meaning they could no longer hang around the office fondling and fucking employees, thus leaving employees free to do whatever the fuck they wanted, resulting in the utter tanking of, you know, productivity, and, as a result, and in accord with the Domino Theory of Economic Activity, tanking the entire remainder of the economy itself. Ballast budget deals up the wazoo, notwithstanding.

Microblahblah Buys VWhoever

Microblahblah of wherever has purchased steaming video maker VWhoever Inc. of maybe, California, maybe Sunnyvale, maybe not. Maybe VSunnyvale.

VWhoever Inc. makes steaming sex videos delivered over the internet using a new technology which does not require human intervention or participation on any level, especially the sex part.

Microsoft will also buy some company called VXtreeme so it can rename VWhoever into a new company called Xtreeme Sex, which is, of course, the number one most requested search term in the history of the internet, receiving over 750 million requests daily -- more than double the requests for the second leading search term, "Sandra Bullock Naked."

[Ooops, sorry if by using these popular search terms in a Meta-topical context, this site has accidentally drawn you here on a life-and-death Alta-Vista search for, you know, the real thing.]

UPS Buys Mir, Strike Ends

An agreement was reached just moments ago between striking UPS employees and UPS management. The complex and endlessly bifurcating agreement has been termed a "win-win garden of forking paths" by both sides and answers the strikers primary demand that they GET THE FUCK RID OF THOSE BIG UGLY BROWN CLUNKER BOX-SHAPED FUCKING UPS TRUCKS that vibrate whole neighborhoods into oblivion -- and replace them with something hip and modern and cool -- if you know what they mean.

In response to the strikers demands, UPS has agreed to purchase the Mir space station to use as a model (both in style and in function[a[bi]lity]) for the hip modern new cool UPS trucks which will be designed from the ground up, to blow fucking minds as they lope jauntily past.

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