Wednesday, August 6, 1997
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Apple Finds New CEO!! Whoops, It's Bill Gates

Boston, MA - (Aug 6) - Steve Jobs, former co-founder of Apple computer, addressed all 500 remaining Macintosh users, this morning, via some yet-unnamed cosmic extra-sensory technique where the software is still in early beta, but you can hear enough through the scratchy cosmic forces to get the general idea of what's being said.

Speaking at 9 AM from the converted fire house in Boston, where shooting for MTV's "The Real World" had only recently wrapped, Jobs waxed poetic to an audience of mostly 6AM still hungover drug-addled deadbeat Californians, about what he saw out his window yesterday. "I saw the best minds of my generation," he said, "Destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix. Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of the night."

Using a new internet technology, VXRealBong, Jobs was able to then transmit whole shitloads of phenobarbital and vodka [high-tech industry drug of choice, apparently] directly into all remaining Mac users' bloodstreams -- whether they wanted it or not -- thereby ostensibly adequately prepping them for his announcement of exciting new visions and new creative ideas that would change the world rather than just force more colored caffeinated drug-flavored sugar water down the world's starving hysterical naked throats.

"OK," said Jobs, just swish that vodka around there real good now. That's it. Now I want you all to conjure up in your mind the image of that guy you all detest so much cause he represents the shallow commercialization, unfair monopolization, and ultimate dismembering of all honest creative vision -- among other things.

"Cause, well, as it turns out," Jobs continued, "That guy's really your, uh, well, he's your fucking FATHER, Luke."

At that point, Jobs switched on the overhead monitor screen where, after the initial blaze of jerky java-animated logos finished "publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull," Bill Gates appeared, and, with the multiple and violently fluctuating waveforms of an online voice stress analyzer running under his headshot, said, "LISTEN TO MY LAST WORDS anywhere. Listen to my last words any world. Listen all you boards syndicates and governments of the earth. And you powers behind what filth deals consummated in what lavatory to take what is not yours. To sell the ground from unborn feet forever --"

Later, Jobs translated. "What Bill's saying is that Apple can now do whatever the fuck it wants, and produce as much stuff as it wants and whatever we can't sell, he'll simply buy personally and store somewhere in his big new house, which, apparently, has whole wings dedicated to that kind of thing."

Of course Gates, when reached for comment, stated that this was not quite what he had in mind vis a vis, you know, the storage part of the deal.

"Rather," Gates claimed, "After I buy up all the millions of unsold Macs and billions of unsold copies of Mac-OS 8, I'll fly them all slowly to the edges of the known universe on a deep space probe, so that other future generations of other worlds and other dimensions that it passes through, won't have any doubt about which fucking planet is the Number One place in the whole fucking cosmos for being where "creative vision" always meets the bottom line -- and always loses -- every fucking time."

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